I get to go get stuff from the house. MIL told the kids "he only gets to make one trip." I have too much to get to make it one trip alone, which I will likely bring help, but why does MIL think she needs to stick her nose in? And to have to tell the kids. This is going to be one of those lifelong messes.
I was thinking it will be nice to not have to deal with MIL ever again... But unfortunately I still get to hear about her.
W is already moving stuff to MIL's... Though not turning over the house to me til mid July. Paranoid I am going to take isomething when I am there? No common sense that she could take stuff she isn't supposed to.. No trust whatsoever. No common sense that the asset list is very thorough for a reason, so we can't take stuff just cuz it's not on the list. Wow, what happened to this person? She got even more stupid? Or more greedy?
More fun facts... Kids say she is going to buy a camper, a boat, a truck, a trampoline. Wow, she's going to run herself into major debt right off the bat! Boy am I glad it's not my problem anymore.
Is there really any chance here at all for R? Seriously? The OFP will be in place for another 6 months. And by then I am going to be so bitter I won't even want to be anyplace with her.
This all sounds familiar to me. It continues to amaze me the similarities and scripts being followed. MIL in my sitch also sticking her nose in. Paranoia about stuff that is split 50 50 in my state. And on and on.
So bizarre.
The chance of an R is up to you. Being bitter is a choice. You will decide. I encourage you to look within so you know that you control the choice.
Time will help us see things more clearly. Make the decision when you see with clarity.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
she will not trust you, because thst is what SHE would do. we expect people to behave like we would.
this is just one of many reasons why this is soooo hard.
as for your last question...IMHO, there is no chance for a lasting relationship right now, now while she has not faced her past and grown from these experiences nor have you cleaned up your side of the fence...how would this relationship be any different, know what i mean? so focus your energy on you....even 10% of your focus on her is 10% that would otherwise be used in making you into the man u want to become!!!
This all sounds familiar to me. It continues to amaze me the similarities and scripts being followed. MIL in my sitch also sticking her nose in. Paranoia about stuff that is split 50 50 in my state. And on and on.
So bizarre.
How do they all come up with the same things? No way did my wife read that somewhere. Even FF said this same thing to her BF, and she totally 100% wants out permanently. I never would have dreamed of saying I wanted space, I would have said "this isn't working out, I want to be done."
Originally Posted By: SadHub
The chance of an R is up to you. Being bitter is a choice. You will decide. I encourage you to look within so you know that you control the choice.
Time will help us see things more clearly. Make the decision when you see with clarity.
I guess I just don't know... When she is being so bitter. At least you have an opportunity to talk to your WAW. Mine just gets to spew hate and no one to question her.
I have read the personality traits on many sites. The major one being lack of empathy. I thought I was fairly good at empathy, and think it is the W who lacks it. W accused me of it though, a few months before BD. She doesn't meet enough of the traits to qualify either, except the lack of empathy part.
Not sure exactly what the question is, if you could clarify it I may be able to answer better.
Talking to FF, she said her opinion is that I am the opposite of it also.
Originally Posted By: Zephyr
she will not trust you, because thst is what SHE would do. we expect people to behave like we would.
Ironic, I was thinking the exact same thing just a few minutes ago.
This is another of the screwed up things in our M. I was always a 100% open book. I trusted her, she didn't trust me. She was accusing me of cheating repeatedly, I had never done anything suspicious but she has, 2-3 times, no concrete proof though.
Going into the D, I tried to make the list as fair as possible, figured she would have a different perception and that I would make concessions to make it feel more fair to her. Nope, she went all out with greed. So much for that!
Originally Posted By: Zepher
this is just one of many reasons why this is soooo hard.
as for your last question...IMHO, there is no chance for a lasting relationship right now, now while she has not faced her past and grown from these experiences nor have you cleaned up your side of the fence...how would this relationship be any different, know what i mean? so focus your energy on you....even 10% of your focus on her is 10% that would otherwise be used in making you into the man u want to become!!!
I agree 100% that she wouldn't be ready... Nor willing. Will she ever be?
I have no idea how to work on my stuff without practice?
Uh oh... I'm still focusing 95% of the energy on her side of the fence... It should be under 10%?
Huh... Had an epiphany, dang it, all Zephyr's fault.
I was thinking about her reactions if she saw me. If I acted sad, she'd wonder what I'm sad about, I'm the monster... Or she'd think "good, you deserve it." If she saw me happy, would bother her, "what is he so happy about." So how do I act around her? Especiallt being she already thinks I am a narcissist..
Uh oh... I'm still focusing 95% of the energy on her side of the fence... It should be under 10%?
So no matter how much energy you spend on her, you cannot changer her, you cannot control her actions, you cannot bend her to see your point of view, you cannot snap her outo of this.
focusing on her is not letting you detach, plain and simple. she has been conditioning you to need her all of these years, I really believe this, you have to learn to love tourself.
you CAN spend all of that energy on you. it is a good investment in your future.
you can learn to love freely, without conditions and expectations.
you can learn how to live without a w0man fueling your esteem and self worth. when she comes around or if it is another woman down the line, she will be the icing in your cake. she has been conditioning you to need her all of these years, I really believe this. you have to learn to love yourself.
GAL - you have not been trying hard enough. if fear is driving this reluctance, i will say only one thing...why would you want to continue to let that destroy your life. it is one of the hardest steps for us to take...the one for US. that is sad, but it is a reality.
I don't care what it is, just find something to do...and with other human beings. I cannot stress this hard enough...this is such a big part of rebuilding your life, you just can't move forward without it.
you have said you've read my threads, so you will see a shift in me...a different Zephyr than when I got here...it all started with getting out of this damned house and learning to enjoy my life. there are lots of examples of things folks have done to resurrect themselves on these boards, spend that energy you were going to ruminate over wife and find something to do.
I challenge you to make a list of 50 things you can do outside of the house. they don't have to be 'travel to the orient' they could be anything from take a cooking class to go go a paint night or find a free tennis clinic.. it doesnt matter. use the Internet, college catalogs, meet up dot com grouos, park district fliers, library calendars...you can find something.
why be afraid anymore...this is your life, not hers and IT IS WORTH LIVING FOR, YOU ARE WORTH IT.
you can do this!
btw, i dont think you are a narcassism if that is how it came accross...she almost certainly is showing virtually all of the traits, and I'd bet you were not the only person she she accused of.
I think my dependence on her is just as much my fault as hers, if not more... It started before I met her, she was there and filled that need for me. I latched on to her maybe only for that reason. And stayed maybe for that reason only. I do agree that she fed that need, and she needed that need.
I did definitely like myself, just the way I was, prior to BD. Though I apparently was missing the peace of myself that was independent? I'm not sure that is the piece that ruined the M? Maybe. I think if I withdrew sooner, she would have left sooner. The only concern is if my neediness caused some resentment when she wasn't home, I voiced it, it made her feel controlled. Something made her feel unappreciated. Was that my fault for not appreciating her, or her fault for "needing" to hear appreciation? I certainly felt she was underperforming in her role, barely contributing to our life, spending much of her life playing on her phone while I worked my a55 off.
Yep, I definitely see how I cannot change her. She will likely never become who I wanted her to be. If she could actually learn to function on her own maybe she would. Without her mother and friends being enablers!
I don't know. She wanted to go do fun things away from home, I wanted to work on improving my life. Different goals. I wanted toys, she wanted a nice house. We had all of the above, and it wasn't enough for her. She wanted to get out more and do things, I wanted to stay home more and do things in our nice house and with our nice toys. I think we met in the middle? Apparently didn't feel that way to her.
She picked the first house we bought. It was a dump but I fixed it up to be beautiful. She picked the next house. I told her I didn't know if I wanted it because I didn't want to buy another project, I wanted to start playing more. She insisted. I told her it would be a lot of work, and she would need to help. She insisted still. It was her dream house.
No matter what I did it wasn't the right thing, or wasn't enough for her.
The kids last night told me a list of all the things she plans on buying. It appears that now she wants toys and doesn't care about the nice house? Or thinks she is going to afford it all on her own?
GAL doesn't align with my goals. Projects are my life. Being an introvert is not a bad thing, That is what I choose.
On the other hand, I am trying to find someone to do a particular recreational activity with this weekend, one that has been a lifelong passion of mine and I would like to do more.
I could almost copy and past your last post to my thread!
Does your W work because mine thinks her job after D will only be a SAHM.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
