Up and down day today. Lots of triggers of good times with family and W. Sometimes I wonder is it better staying in the home with all the triggers rather than moving out to sonewhere different. We hadn't really been in this house long enough to create major memories, it was so much work, strain and stress building it, yet I have so many feelings of being with W in the home we designed together.
I know I don't need my W, I know I can live on my own, I have made new friends and get out when the kids are with her. I do miss her though even though we have struggled so often. Our life has been a roller coaster of stresses and strains, heartache and fun. I knew we were struggling last year, I can see were I went wrong. Having been told I was too distant and not enough family time during the major construction phase of the house and working on it to get it to the point we could move in. I went too far the other way, put all my focus into being there for them all, did nothing for me and then got told I was suffocating her. Well she has all the space she wants now, I will keep moving forward with my life and improving myself. I didn't like what the exhaustion turned me into, it's time for me to recover myself. Maybe my ambition of building is a home was too great, too exhausting, too challenging but it is a beautiful home. I have accepted that I may not enjoy it for long as I can't afford it on my own but I will enjoy it while I can.
Next, I'm just looking forward to taking my kids on a great adventure next week. Off to the Middle East, an experience for my kids that doesn't come around much. Do have some sadness that W has chosen to miss this kind of opportunity but that is her decision. I won't let it spoil my experience with the kids.
