Sandi, you give such great advice to LB husbands. Is there anyone whose threads you might recommend who can provide some similar perspective for a LB wife? A former WAH/WH, perhaps? I could really use some input. Thanks in advance.
Well thank you, Phoebe. There could have been someone at sometime, and I missed the threads. I have stayed mostly in the newcomers section for several years. It sounds really crazy, but I only remember a couple of men who came on board as a WAH or WH. However, they would not say what the LBW'S should do and not do. I don't recall them having over one thread, and I pleaded with one of them to stay (as he had reconciled with his W), but in the end......I felt he was here b/c it was part of her stipulations or he was trying to pay penitence, IDK. He sounded so very sad.
I know they are out there somewhere, b/c all these cheating W's are with most of them.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
thanks Melo. I have a question for anyone who has experience...for the S staying in the home and needing to refinance; when is the time to get the process started? I would hate to go forward with and spend the $ involved only to reconcile and lost the $ associated with a refinance. What it is the triggering point? W has told me she found a rental and intends to put a downpayment (don't know if she has yet). Plan to try and keep the home so that D7 isn't hit with so many drastic life changes. thanks in advance for any input
Poschan, I'm not a mortgage broker, but when I refinanced it was about a 2 week process once they had all the paperwork they need. I would recommending calling a few mortgage brokers, they can give you specific timelines, but I would say a month or less, even to buy a new house that needs inspections and appraisals took us a month.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
thanks Melo. I have a question for anyone who has experience...for the S staying in the home and needing to refinance; when is the time to get the process started? I would hate to go forward with and spend the $ involved only to reconcile and lost the $ associated with a refinance. What it is the triggering point? W has told me she found a rental and intends to put a downpayment (don't know if she has yet). Plan to try and keep the home so that D7 isn't hit with so many drastic life changes. thanks in advance for any input
Poschan, Have you started separating your finances? Where is the money coming from for her down payment on her rental? You should talk to a lawyer first, don't tell your W about it just yet. They'll typically give you a free one hour consultation before you hire them. Typically once D is filed, there are automatic restraining orders from either of you entering into binding contracts like refinancing, etc. So you need to know where you stand legally in your state first.
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
My W always complained that I didn't show her I loved her. Simple male mind here, I thought that as long as I did stuff for her, like doing laundry, taking care of dogs, doing this, doing that, I was showing her I loved her. In reality, I think I was doing the opposite. I was using that as showing her love and not showing her love the way I should've been
The book on love languages would probably be helpful to read. Everyone feels love is shown in a certain way, however, everyone's way is not the same. Just bear in mind that the WW may not be receptive to any LL from her H right now.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
having a tough couple of days. not sure if I should see a doc re: anxiety. Has anyone had experience with meds for the anxiety? trying to let go and move on but its so tough...my mind just keeps racing and racing. When I see W she seems fine all business like and matter of fact. Have not separated finances yet. Still living in same house separate BRs If anyone can provide some advice on how to tell D7 that would be great
Me: 48 WAW:40 T:14yr M:12 yr d8 BD 2/2016 WAW moves out 6/05
Check out the video by MWD for telling children. You may find some good info that can aid you.
I did see my GP for thoughts on meds. I am very anti med, but ultimately I ended up taking them to calm me. My goal is to make them short term and I was very adament when I discussed it with him. They have helped, and I am learning of other ways to minimize the anxiety with meditation and natural remedies. I am making progress. I know each individual is different, but there is no shame in seeking assistance for this.
I hope you can find peace and calm in whatever avenue you go for this. It does get better. Hang in there.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
having a tough couple of days. not sure if I should see a doc re: anxiety. Has anyone had experience with meds for the anxiety? trying to let go and move on but its so tough...my mind just keeps racing and racing. When I see W she seems fine all business like and matter of fact. Have not separated finances yet. Still living in same house separate BRs If anyone can provide some advice on how to tell D7 that would be great
Poschan, Definitely go see an MD for some meds. I held off for several months as my mood worsened due to the constant barrage of attacks from my WW and her L. My MD started me off on Wellbutrin but it had 0 effect on me, so he put me on Lexapro which helps me a lot. It stops your mind from racing thoughts especially in the middle of the night... I was having trouble sleeping and staying asleep, I kept thinking "what if" and going over everything to see what I did wrong in the middle of the night. This med helped me a lot.
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
poschan, I'm on zoloft. I've gone from anywhere from 100, 150 to 200 mg. 100 wasn't strong enough for me. 200 I felt like a zombie. So now the Dr. has me at 150. The thing about zoloft is it takes several weeks to get in your bloodstream before it becomes truly effective and you start feeling different.
However, there is a medicine and my Dr. put me on it once, Lorazepam (i believe). It's a tiny pill you put under your tongue when you start feeling the anxiety kick in and it works within minutes. I never really used it because I kept the bottle at home and it wasn't available when I needed it.
M:36 W:31 D:12 M: 8/9/10 ILYBNILWY/"want space": 2/14-ish/16 W moved out 5/24/16.
thanks Collin. I need to be able to function on the meds as my line of work requires a lot of focus. I also have another question...my last coaching session suggesting writing an apology letter? Not sure if it should be the last resort letter - any thoughts? I'm not sure if it would have any effect as she seems to have her mind made up but I want to try everything before I give up and move on. I will take a look at MWD video on telling children
Me: 48 WAW:40 T:14yr M:12 yr d8 BD 2/2016 WAW moves out 6/05
