Found out 12 Hours ago. What now?

[Accuray]

Eventually she is coming over our house to get more stuff or to stay there. Do I take all our pictures down before then?

No, that's thrashing and can come across as passive aggressive.

In my "perfect world scenario" for you, I would say "W, I really enjoyed being married to you, I think we had something good. I understand that you're involved with someone else now. I'm sure you have your reasons for that, but I feel disrespected. I'd like you to go live your life as you'd like and I will live mine. If you end your affair and you want to talk about what comes next, let me know. Maybe we'll have a path forward and maybe we won't. Either way, I wish you the best. I will be happy to pack your things for you, or you can do it, just let me know when you'd like to collect them."

Deliver that without anger or sadness, but with compassion and sincerity. How can she resent you for that? You're wishing her well in whatever she chooses to do.

You do not want to live in the shadow of an affair. Even if you have the discipline of a Navy Seal, that's going to tear you apart. For your own mental health, either she needs to move out or you should.

That's my perfect world scenario -- in my opinion that gives you the very best chance of reconciling down the line.

People value what they have to work for and do not value that which comes cheaply. If you re-engage, you need to do so as equals, where she sees as much value in you as you see in her.

If you're chasing her and letting her know that you're available any time she wants, it will be hard for her to value that. As painful as it is to create this situation, she needs to feel that she will have to work to get you back. Only then are you "worthy of having" in her view. Does that make sense?

It requires the playing field to be reset, and that's another reason you have to go the other direction.

There are also a bunch of [censored] that she purchased in the last few months. Do I return them all (I want to). I think she plans on returning 50% of it, but I dont want it all sitting on my credit card. I don't want to be vindictive but its taking up a room with boxes and such.

Remember the resentment yardstick. If you return things she's bought without discussing it with her, she will likely resent that. Don't do anything about it, just let it sit there or put it with the rest of her stuff.

If she puts any new charges on your credit card, contact her and tell her that given the current situation, you think it's best that she get her own credit card, cancel your joint one and get your own.

The really hard thing about DB is nuance -- doing these things has much more to do with HOW you say it than what you say. You want your attitude to convey compassion but at the same time detachment. Imagine you had a coworker who lost his aunt -- you'd be compassionate for his loss, but it certainly wouldn't turn YOUR world upside down. The credit card discussion would need to be very "matter of fact" and absent of emotional load. You don't want it to come across as a punishment, more like "well, we're in this situation now, here's how it has to work"

I know that this situation is INCREDIBLY HARD. The first few weeks is in many ways the "make or break" period and at the same time you're the most rocked and the least able to deal with it the way you need to.

Please heed everyone's advice and realize that this scenario will not be quickly resolved. This will not take days or weeks, this will take months or years. There is no fast track, there is no "secret equation" that if you just figure it out it will be all better.

The best advice I got was from a therapist who told me that "You have to accept the fact that you don't have an option that doesn't suck. All your options are $hit. You just have to pick the one that works best for you, but stop looking for a good one."

There is a certain freedom that comes through acceptance. There is nothing you can actively do right now. There is nothing you can actively do right now. There is nothing you can actively do right now. Repeat that over and over. Give yourself room to grieve and be okay with that.

Get yourself a therapist, and definitely use the telephone coaching available on this site. Those people are experts at exactly the situation you are in -- their advice will be invaluable to you.

You can do this. You don't want to, but you can.

Acc