[/quote] Not sure if this is the best response, but my effort anyway:
"I agree that this marriage takes both of our complete energy and focus in order to be successful. I am taking some time to evaluate my ability and desire to provide that. Regardless of the outcome of our relationship, our son will always have his father in his life."[/quote]
Very nice darknes, will save this one.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Well doodler, there is no empathy in her response. I expected a hint of it, if as she says she wants to make things work.
I cannot show empathy either, is what I am thinking. Sympathy definitely, and I guess that is validating.
I don't know how I mess up every day, and every day I have to start over again. I feel like things are going somewhere though. Not sure if that helps, not sure the direction.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Why are you expecting empathy from her when you can't provide it?
That's what validating is: empathizing. Showing that you understand and acknowledge their thoughts, opinions, and feelings.
When you say "regardless of what I did", it minimizes her feelings. It invalidates her pain. It shows that you're keeping score and comparing your hurts.
Her world is the green apple. Stop trying to convince her it isn't.
Isn't providing empathy me giving in to her cake eating? I guess it's not. Is that what I've never been doing?
Have I never acknowledged her thoughts, or feelings.
One last question. How do I show empathy on her birthday. I plan on wishing her and letting her spend the day the way she wants. But what if she wants me with. Do I go?
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
In my opinion, you're original email seemed a bit angry and it sounds to me like you wanted to start some R talk. Her response to you was that she was busy right now and that she would like to have supper with you. She did a good job of deflecting your anger and accepting your invitation. And, she probably was very busy. I think her response to you was very good.
In addition, she wants your attention and affection. I think you're sabotaging yourself by pushing away.
When this whole thing started, she didn't want to say "i love you", was repulsed by my touch, was all over the place emotionally and didn't want to be around me.
Why is that me now?
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Have you read on the Divorce Remedy book and done the work? If you haven't, you can't expect results.
It seems to me that you are reconsidering your entire role in the R and that probably leaves you feeling like you don't know what to do instead of what you used to do.
Maybe you could write down what you feel your role has been in the M, good and bad, and what you would like to continue to do, and what you want to change and to what. What do you think you should ideally do in the role as husband? (Don't make a list like that for W.)
Maybe going back to the very basics can help you see where you agree and where you disagree, and it would take the focus away from the day to day stuff.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
