My first post - please be nice.

[MoveFrwd]

Collin 1

It reads like you think you can control her feelings through your actions. "If I connect her Internet, she will feel loved."

You can't control how she feels. Maybe she will think that you think she's incompetent (as you said in this thread multiple times). Maybe she will feel smothered. Or trapped. Who knows.

I think that you have a LOT of expectations. That if you act like ABC, she will respond like XYZ. Your focus is so squarely on her.

As I asked above, if she has a problem with the Internet her first night away, is she going to call you for tech support? What about after a week. Or a month. Or a year. If any of those are "no" then why are you doing it now?

[collin]

So, I had a realization this morning. I need to do a better job of standing up for myself. This morning we were getting ready for work. She couldn't find a pair of her pants. (I do our laundry together.) Well she goes in saying, I need my pants. You always loose my *stuff* when you do laundry, blah blah blah. Hindsight being 20/20 I should've said something like "I would be more than happy to help you, but I will not be disrespected".

But, I just know that when she gets in one of her "moods" if I say something like that it will make a bad situation even worse. She's like that, there's no talking her back off the cliff. But she needs to know I will not stand for it. Not really sure what to do.

[Trg8]

How about stop doing her laundry? How will she react to that?

[Trg8]

So my advice above is probably not the best but it was my first thought. Perhaps you should say something more like:

I understand your frustration but I did not lose your pants on purpose. I do your laundry to be helpful. If you would like my help in finding your pants please just ask.

[collin]

Trg,
Trust me I've thought about it several times. But going through the hassle of separating hers and mine and washing mine, then waiting on her to wash hers before I can wash mine is entirely too much of a pain. Plus the reason why I started doing laundry originally was because she would do laundry the night before with was she was going to wear tomorrow. Neither me, my water bill or my septic tank were happy with that. So, I took over laundry.

[AndrewP]

I hate to say it but if she leaves you'll be doing laundry separately anyway. Perhaps that can be a bit of a wakeup call. W and I have done ours separately for more than 15 years. If her stuff is in the machine when I do mine, I just move it. No big deal. She knows I do my wash on Saturday mornings and does her's whenever (You know I'm not really sure ...)

Mind you, I'm also the guy who loves doing the ironing. Nothing like a row of crisp shirts hanging to air to make a man feel like he's accomplished something important.

[collin]

13 more days. she's starting to pile up boxes and belongings in the living room. above the pile is a picture of our wedding day. the dichotomy of it is suffocating.

i know this is what she wants. or what she feels like she has to do. but, i was thinking the other day, she signed a 6 month lease and if she stays through the 6 months, that will include both of our birthdays, our anniversary and will be right at thanksgiving. i know i shouldn't worry about the future only take it one day at a time. but, it's hard not to.

legally, in the state of nc, you have to be separated for 12 months before you can file for divorce. so if the 6 month lease, turns into 12, then this time next year, i could potentially be divorced.

[tjcran]

Collin,

We all struggle with these issues. It isn't easy and lots of what is happening doesn't make much sense at times. Have you read about detaching? It is difficult to do as well, but it may help you cope.

You can't take care of her. She doesn't really want you to and every time you think of her needs and take care of her needs it is at the expense of your own well being. Start putting your well being first. You need to take care of you.

She is a grown woman and can find her own pair of pants. Be polite and tell her that she may have to look a little harder to find them. If she talks to you disrespectfully, politely respond that you don't like being talked to that way and you will not engage in conversation until she speaks to you respectfully. If she continues, say nothing and calmly walk away.

[collin]

Sometimes the jokes just write themselves. I was sitting in the living room when the dogs started going crazy. Then all of a sudden a bat was flying around IN MY HOUSE!!! Well the smart butt side of me could make a correlation between a bat and a witch. But i won't.

[collin]

So, aside from the bat fiasco last night. We're still counting down the days. Now at 12. The thing I don't understand is, she went to the store yesterday to get her some clothes and bought me a pair of jeans. Last night she was talking about a deodorant she is going to get for me. I'm grateful that she is thinking about me, but still at the same time in the back of my mind I'm like, PLEASE STOP!!! Obviously she doesn't know about detaching.