Found out 12 Hours ago. What now?

[Accuray]

Hello 198127,

I'm very sorry you are here. There are a few things I would like you to think about:

1) There is nothing you can do right now to end the affair or get your wife back.

How does that feel? Crappy right? Used to fixing things? Used to finding a way? Familiar with the feeling that if you work hard enough, anything is possible? None of that applies now, there is nothing you can do. You need to surrender to that, grieve it and find peace with it. Fighting against it sets you up as their adversary, pushes them together and you away. If you continue to actively try to disrupt the affair and get your wife back, you will only dig your hole deeper and deeper, and that will be a debt that will take you a long time to recover from.

2) Your W said that she would be willing to go to counseling if the counselor would "hear both sides" -- what is her side?

It's very possible that you've done nothing wrong at all. Even if you weren't the best husband in the world you don't deserve this. That said, cheating is often an expression of anger. It can be useful to understand why she was angry -- but be careful: do not use that as an excuse to blame yourself. You are NOT guilty of creating this situation in any way.

3) You are panicking right now trying to do something, anything, to regain control over your life.

Recognize that you are in a state of panic -- there is no shame in that. You've been traumatized. When you are panicking, you will act without thinking things all the way through. You don't want to do that, so embrace that you are panicking and wait for it to pass before taking additional actions.


Here's some advice: The *very best* thing you can do right now is to go the other direction. Go dark and do NOT pursue her.

Why? Because right now she wants to get away. Picture that you standing on the goal line right now. There is a foam block between the two of you. When you move toward her, it pushes her an equal distance away. Every yard that you move away from the goal line does damage that is very hard to recover from.

If instead you walk the other way, there is no pressure on the foam block and it falls on the ground. Now your wife can move back toward the goal line without having to "get away" from you, because you've gone the other way.

This is exactly the dynamic you want to create -- create a void between you. Go and do YOUR thing. Be the best man you can be and do not pay any attention to her or what she's doing.

Some people will say "but I want to fight for my marriage!"

Let me fill you in on a secret: pursuing her is the easy thing to do. It's what you WANT to do, so to give in to that is easy.

To go the other direction takes discipline, it's difficult. If you really want to fight for your marriage, that's the work you need to do. Give her space and go the other way.

Right now she resents you.

She doesn't resent you because you've done anything wrong necessarily, she can simply resent you because she feels guilty because of your presence, that guilt diminishes her joy, and that is YOUR FAULT in her mind. It's backwards thinking but is also the reality.

Everything you do right now needs to be measured against the yardstick of resentment. Will my actions make her resent me more or less?

Exposing her affair and involving her family unfortunately will increase resentment as you've seen.

Guilting, shaming, blaming, etc will increase her resentment.

Begging, pleading, crying and being mopey around her will make her feel guilty and she will resent you for that.

The only thing you can do right now to stabilize the situation is to go the other way and give her space.

If you go the other way, she won't resent you, she'll wonder what the hell is happening and what you know that she doesn't. That's what you want.

Acc