what are these things and how are you going to 180?
The majority of her list of things that bothered her were a simple fix. She never verbalized these things in the past and I didn't know they got under her skin. They included things such as leaving my shoes in the kitchen rather than in the garage, leaving shaving cream, toothpaste etc. out on the bathroom counter, when laundry was done waiting days to put my clothes away, etc. All those little things have been fixed right away.
She also complained of me not making decisions and leaving it to her. Thinking about this it stems from two things. I make a lot of decisions everyday at work and I find that is nice to come home and have someone making decisions instead of me. I guess that is me just being lazy. It also is that a lot of those things don't really matter to me, it's not that I don't care but it is not high on my priority list. It doesn't matter to me if the walls are painted blue or brown, or where we go to dinner, or if we have green bath towels or blue... I always thought it was good of me to let her have it her way. I have realized that she wants me to take charge or at least jointly make decisions on these things. I've started doing this when appropriate. For example we had a child function last week and were going out to dinner as a family after. I just picked a place and went. I think it caught her of guard that I just said this is where we are going.
She says I complain too much. I'm one of those people who complain just to get it out. I really don't want or expect anyone to do anything about it but it's just how I vent sometimes. I just keep it to myself now. This has been a little hard but I'm getting better about thinking about what I am about to say before I do and just keeping my mouth shut. I'm trying to be more positive in general.
She also said that she always makes our social plans and hates being the social director. So lately I've made plans for different social things. Since I'm in the middle of this mess I've handled it more like I'm GAL. I say this is what I'm doing tonight or this weekend etc. If you want to join me you are welcome to but I'm going either way. This plan making has also seemed to surprise her. She turns me down more than joined me at this point but I think she likes that I'm being decisive.
I've also taken it upon myself to be less lazy. I now try to do at least one thing a night around the house. It might be fix something or clean an area of the house or work on something outside.
I've also upgraded some of my wardrobe and I am dressing nicer outside of work. I'm not taking the kids to dinner in a t-shirt and jeans anymore. Do I want her to notice, yes, but this change has really been more for me. I actually feel a lot better when I'm looking good. She hasn't said anything but I'm sure she has noticed.
She didn't really complain about it but I'm taking a more active interest in the kids school. She always just handled it but now I have been working with the kids on their homework, reading all the paperwork sent home from the school so I know what is going on etc. I certainly think my kids feel better that I have shown more interest in this. Once again my W hasn't said anything but she has to see it.
The biggest complaint from her is not feeling appreciated and being taken for granted. This has been hard to fix because of the minimized contact but when appropriate I have been fitting it in. It has been as easy as thanking her for taking care of something around the house or telling her I appreciate you handling that... I could easily do much more of this if we were normal but I take the opportunity when I can. This is one of those things that I used to always do but moved away from it out of laziness and just assuming she knew I was appreciative. What's the saying... You have to water the garden for it to grow. I've realized I stopped watering the garden.
In general I am trying to just be a better person to everyone in my life. More polite, more appreciative, more grateful. This actually has made me feel real good.
I like who I'm becoming and plan to keep it that way.
Originally Posted By: cubebot
Don't do things such as your question about," should i put my ring back on? That is seeking a reaction from you W. Really ask yourself if you are doing something to see how she will react. If yes, it is probably not the right thing to do, she will see it as controlling.
Thank you so much for this comment Cubebot. I never thought of it this way. I believe this will help me so much.
Sorry for all the long winded post everyone. I'm finding I feel much better to type through my thoughts and just get them out. It also seems to make me really think deeper about what I'm doing, what is going on and what my plan really is.
