So today is the day that I think my H and his colleagues are travelling back to our home town from working the other side of the world since the start of February.
I can feel the peace, calm and tranquility I've found over the past couple of months draining away from me. A feel like I'm pedalling backwards now, into feeling low, vulnerable and afraid. Like I have no control over any of this. And I'm dreading what may be coming next. Or maybe nothing might happen for another long while? Who knows.
I know all that makes me sound like a victim. And I can hear how that resonates with previous experiences thorughout my life, from childhood onwards.
Other people always comment on my strength. I don't really see that, or feel that, or focus on that.
I know there's not much anyone can say to this, by way of comments, suggestions or advice. Just feeling pretty low today.m
Hi Focus. You are the only one who controls how you feel and respond. Are you going to be forced into daily contact? If not you should be focusing on you! Thoughts are just that ...thoughts. Most of them will never happen so be kind to yourself and accept them but don't allow them to cause you pain. Think about all your positive posts, you know that you can live without him and that in the end you will be ok whatever happens. There will be days when you are down or events hurt you but they will pass and you have shown that you are strong enough to keep going.
I treated myself to a little shopping (all very reduced sale items). I bought a long sleeved black shirt, a burnt Siena coloured long top/short dress, and an outrageously sexy, long black dress.
Anyway, GAL tomorrow after work. Going for a catch up with a very old friend. Will make sure I take some time getting ready. Might wear my new black shirt?
Also need to dye my hair again in the next couple of weeks. I think I might got for the red again. I liked it, and it was really different to any colour I've tried before. I'll go for a trim as well.
I feel so tired and worn down at the moment. But life goes on.
It feels like a lifetime ago that my H was in this house. I can't remember what it was like having him here, and I can't picture him here any more. It feels like it was all a lifetime ago...almost like all of that part of my life happened to someone else and not me at all. It feels like it was all a dream.
Is that a common thing? To feel that way? It feels a bit surreal.
He's not even been back 24 hours in our country and I've already had a text message from his mum about something to do with him.
Apparently he needs to do something with the car insurance really urgently and there's some piece of mail to do with it at my house (seven months in and he's not changed his postal address for a whole bunch of stuff, and post keeps arriving for him).
Anyway, it's really urgent and she was wondering if she could collect it for him first thing this morning.
I was already at work when she texted me. Then I'm out GAL this evening and won't be back until very late. Same deal tomorrow.
Hilarious how he thinks everyone should jump to his tune.
I messaged his M back yesterday and explained I was only on short breaks at work, and that I was sorry but wouldn't be around much yesterday.
I got a bit of a snippy answer back, presuming that I might be 'around' sometime for her to pick up his mail from me.
I texted back and apologised again for not being able to have much time for texting. I explained that I think there might be something from the car insurance people for him, but I wasn't sure what, or when it had arrived (maybe a couple of weeks ago? Or a couple of months ago?). I genuinely can't remember.
I suggested posting it to her at her own address.
And she replied, apologising for what she'd written and also offering me a piece of work (I've worked for her on a freelance basis for years now).
I've always had a lot of time for my MIL/exMIL. I really like and respect her. And I know she feels the same about me.
She's still offering me very occasional bits of work with the family business. I like working for them, I really like the work, I get on really well with other people on the job, and I could really, really do with the money it brings in.
Having her be the go between H and I is making things feel a bit fraught between her and me. I can see why she's doing it, and why he wants her to do it. But I would prefer it if he didn't come up in conversations I had with her.
When she came to collect some of his stuff back in January, we spent that half hour without any mention of him at all. It wasn't forced or awkward (except for those first few minutes when she looked really ashamed, but I just acted totally normal round her and she relaxed after that).
So, do I text her and say I would prefer if our future conversations didn't mention him? Say that I like her, respect her and value her friendship, but would feel more comfortable if she didn't mention him?
At this point, I don't see any chance of any reconciliation at al with H. He is very deep in his PA with OW2, and I feel like I (and my life) are now taking a very different course.
Anyway, would totally welcome your thoughts, ideas and any advice you may have.
Hi Focus, I wouldn't text her. However, if you want things to change perhaps you could do one of two things..
Just gently change the subject if she brings him up and hope she gets the message
Gently let her know that you really appreciate her good intentions and that you're trying to move on from talking about H etc. And you hope she'll understand - whilst she's been a great help and support you're really trying to move forward now.
Something along those lines anyway. But I think there is plenty of scope for offence to be taken here. However, I think if she can see your expression and hear your tone it's more likely she will understand.
Hope this helps
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
What do I do if she texts me asking me to sort something for H?
This is what happened with H's passport. She then forwarded H's email to me about his proxy vote for the election a couple of weeks ago, and now a text asking me for this car tax stuff.
