Working on detachment, my anxiety, and the joys of limbo

[Phoebe]

Well, today has been a pretty nice day.

I will admit that I cried at my therapist appointment again. Darn it. I made it through the last few visits without any of that. It wasn't a full-blown fountain or anything dramatic, but I did have to stop talking for a bit and pull myself together. Ugh. SO frustrating.

The weather today was gorgeous. Cool, breezy, sunny. After I saw my therapist I headed over to that State Park I mentioned earlier. It's only 2 miles from his office, so it's something I can do anytime I see him. It's a beautiful place, hilly, wooded, cliffs, rocky (I love hiking on big rocks!!!), and there's even a small glacial lake. Lots of trails, though it is the kind of place where there are so many trail intersections that you have to choose your path all the time. I'm definitely a long trial kind of person, so that's a bit odd. Anyway, I was impressed, particularly since I had never heard of it until about a week ago! I even saw a scarlet tanager, so that was kind of special. They're stunning creatures. I've done a fair bit of hiking by myself, so it really was good and felt normal. All told, I probably hiked for about an hour, so 3 miles, or so. Not much, but nice.

For the last few weeks I've been thinking about a road trip out West to visit a friend, but was stalling on it, didn't want to spend the money, wanted to work on my grief recovery stuff, yada, yada. Today my therapist asked if I had considered doing some traveling. Well, as a matter of fact...

So, I think I'm going to start firming up those plans. H spent plenty of money on his trips to parts unknown to party and do whatever. There is no reason for me to feel guilty about doing some travel, myself. I'm a cheap traveler, and when I get to my destination I'll just stay with my friend. Really, the only cost is fuel and 4 hotel nights, total, as I want to drive out there. Heck, I could even camp! I like driving across country and watching the land change as I go. There's something very grounding about watching the eastern woodland transition to the midwest fields, crossing the Mississippi, then seeing the transition to dry grasslands and then the mountains. I've done the drive a number of times, and more than a couple times by myself. Not sure about a date yet, but I'm thinking soon.

I'm still torn about getting new chicks. I really want to, but then I'd immediately have to leave them with my Mom to chick-sit if I did that trip. (She'd already be taking care of my other critters.) Somehow I doubt she'd be terribly happy about that. Still thinking.

Blu, I don't really know what my instinct says these days. In my heart I know that he is lost and is trying to fill the void in his life by whatever means give him the most positive feedback. I absolutely do not recognize the man I knew in his current actions or life. On the other hand, it is becoming clearer to me how long his fantasy life has been going on - at least 2 1/2 years, now from when he started lying to go out clubbing and developed his secret friendships. The PA is just sort of the latest stop on his journey. That's a long way down a road that I can't understand. I can't see him not wanting to come back to the life he has led, but I also couldn't see him leaving it, so... I'd say my instincts are suspect. Given the almost absolute lack of contact these days, I have no idea what he's doing/thinking anymore.

Speaking of contact, as predicted, he responded immediately to my query about the refund. Supposedly should see it in our account soon. If I contact him, even in a tiny way, he responds very promptly. My two brief sentences without preamble at least got a hello, an answer, and he signed his name. That's more than I gave him. I'm going to leave it at that for now. The less contact I have with him the better.

I mentioned to my therapist my feeling of revulsion after sending that tiny email, and he seemed pretty surprised that I had such a visceral response. He asked me what I would think if H came home tomorrow, given that reaction. I told him that I wouldn't allow him to come home. He'd have a whole lot of work to do to get to that point. Right now, it's hardly worth considering, as it's not on the table.

Sotto, thank you for your input. I think waywardness comes in many forms, and H's started as learning how to lie to me and then just slid from there on down the slippery slope to a full PA and walking away.

Painter, the loss of my FIL was the beginning of my husband's slide. By the following summer his ability to hide things from me was well-formed. He was seeing a therapist about that grief that he never told me about until there was suddenly a huge fight out of the blue (same woman who now tells him he seems happier than he's ever been - sigh). By that point he was already out clubbing. That was in mid-2013. I think that death touched off the cascade that is still ongoing. He actually told me that he was sure he'd regret all this in 10 years, but by then he'd be an "old man!!!" (at 53) Wow. Last time I checked, that was far from being old, but the seemed to believe it. Old is a state of mind, anyway, but that's another discussion. The point is, I think that seeing his father die at 60 made his reevaluate his own mortality, and not in a positive way.

So, SadHub, I just listened to another online mindfulness mediation reading on YouTube, and can I just say that it was AWFIL! Let me count the ways... first, it had birds in the background, so all I kept doing was trying to figure out if they were outdoors or on the video (video, because I didn't recognize them), then she kept talking about silly positive use of my imagination to tell myself good things, that I can have fun, etc... Ugh. how about just telling me to imagine some pretty clouds or a beautiful forest and leave it at that?

The last one I tried to listen to had a man reading something in a near whisper that had so many words with the letter "S" in them (starsssss and galaxiessss, etc.) over the soundtrack that I'm pretty certain that it was aimed at that tiny part of the population that exhibits the AMSR phenomenon. (Google it if you don't know what I'm talking about - it's really kind of strange and vaguely unsettling. Hopefully I don't cause offense to anyone by saying that. Listen to a couple of the AMSR videos and you'll know what I mean. To those with the response, AMSR is pleasurable, though.)

Anyway, that meditation video was also awful, as I don't have AMSR and the constant sibilant sounds made me cringe. Definitely not relaxing.

So far, the guided meditation has been a fail, and I'm struggling to shut my mind down to do it on my own in silence. I'll try again later tonight.

Sorry this was SO LONG!!! I use this forum to help me sort out my thoughts, and so I tend to ramble on and on. and on.

Thank you to everyone that's chipped in with advice or thoughts or encouragement or even 2x4s! It means a great deal to me.