WAW moved out, spewing anger, trying to detach

[Phoebe]

Hi SadHub. It sounds like you have had your challenges this week, but as SadSara said, I also think you are being too hard on yourself.

At this point, I am starting to think that, since we aren't already hard enough on ourselves in the wake of all that has transpired, now we've gone on and decided that, in our response to this new adversity, we are failing in a whole NEW way - now we're not detached enough.

Yes, it's the goal, but you know what? I just don't believe it's something that we can simply force ourselves to do, just because we know we need to. It's not a switch that one can just throw into the opposite position because we know we ought to do so. For XX years we attached to a person, and that attachment builds love and security and trust in a marriage. Then something changes, and now we're supposed to just be able to throw that switch and, presto chango, suddenly we're detached!?!?

I don't mean to trivialize the goal, but this pressure to arrive at the goal seems pretty heavy.

Detachment takes time, and I think that everyone has to get there by their own path and on their own schedule. Those who have already gotten there, and know the benefits thereof, urge us to hurry on up and 'just detach already.' Meanwhile, those who have yet to arrive feel inadequate. Really, absorbing the failed marriage is enough already without failing at how we're handling it, too.

So, SadHub, I am not going to tell you that you need to detach. We all know we need to do so. The problem is that detachment is part of the healing process, and therein lies the rub. It's a process! It takes time, you need to go through all the steps, and everyone's process is uniquely their own.

This period in our lives should not have to be one in which we are constantly judging ourselves against some imaginary standard. Well, so-and-so took 6 weeks to detach, so why am I still struggling at 12 weeks? Why is it still so hard at 6 months? And so on, and so on. It is going to take just exactly as long as it takes. We're going to struggle for as long as it takes us to heal. Of course we want it to happen quickly. Of course those who care about us, here or elsewhere, will urge us forward. We still have to get there on our own.

The best thing that I think we can do is to be kind enough to ourselves to allow the process to go at whatever pace it takes. It is a journey that no one can make for us. Forcing it won't make it take less time. it will just make us feel inadequate in our efforts.

SadHub, your anger is normal. Your sadness is normal. Your anxiety is normal. YOU are normal. Allow yourself time and space to heal without judging yourself. You will get there.