My first post - please be nice.

[collin]

She doesn't know how to do that stuff. Her knowledge of the internet begins and ends with Facebook. How she gets to facebook is beyond her understanding. She's good at connecting something is hooked up previously, she can disconnect it and reconnect it. But she can't hook something up from scratch. The cable co. is sending an DIY install kit. She needs me to hook it up. I had to call and get her internet set up for her. I don't know if that was laziness, she didn't know how to, or she just wanted me to play along with her. That part, I don't know.

But, if I were to tell her I wasn't going to hook it up, I promise you, you would hear her explode. Everything we have I have hooked up, installed and programmed. Our antenna, chromecast, netflix and media server. That is not her forte. She's more right brained, creative. I'm more left brained.

[doodler]

collin,

So the way I figure it is, I've got 15 days to not screw up.

When my wife and I stopped sleeping in the same room, she told me she wanted me to treat her like a roommate. I haven't had many roommates, but most of my roommates where acquaintances, not friends. I didn't understand exactly what she was telling me. What she was really saying was, "Be nice, be polite, have conversation and go do something together on occasion. No hugging, kissing and that other thing (I've forgotten what that is)."

To me the "roommate" thing was unacceptable; I wanted a wife, not a roommate. But, this morning she told me that if I'd done the roommate thing for a couple of months, then I'd have had a chance. I don't know if I should believe that, but I suspect there's truth to it.

So, that leads me to my point, ask your wife what she wants from you in the time that you have left. If you're uncertain what she wants, then ask her for specifics. Once she's told you what she wants, then do exactly that and be happy and don't let your emotions control your behavior.

[MoveFrwd]

She doesn't know how to do that stuff. Her knowledge of the internet begins and ends with Facebook. How she gets to facebook is beyond her understanding. She's good at connecting something is hooked up previously, she can disconnect it and reconnect it. But she can't hook something up from scratch. The cable co. is sending an DIY install kit. She needs me to hook it up. I had to call and get her internet set up for her. I don't know if that was laziness, she didn't know how to, or she just wanted me to play along with her. That part, I don't know.

But, if I were to tell her I wasn't going to hook it up, I promise you, you would hear her explode. Everything we have I have hooked up, installed and programmed. Our antenna, chromecast, netflix and media server. That is not her forte. She's more right brained, creative. I'm more left brained.

Yes. I'm sure she would be angry.

Will you ALWAYS be there to connect her internet? How about in three months if there's a problem. Are you now her on-call tech support?

[tjcran]

Collin,

I'm just a guy that has a marriage in crisis like everyone else here. I have no expertise in this (obviously). What strikes me is "I've got 15 days to not screw up."

That is not a good way to think or act. This isn't about her and whether or not you have one last shot to make it work. This is about you taking an honest look at who you are and becoming a better you. This isn't about trying to be perfect for 15 days.

I also respectfully disagree with Doodler as far as asking her what she wants. That is pursuing. She has been very clear on what she wants - a divorce. That hurts, and you don't want to hear that, but that is the message she is sending.

If you are a friendly guy that likes hooking up computers and such and you'd like helping her get set up, then do it and be a genuinely friendly person while you do it and don't expect anything in return. No hugs, no relationship talk, no big thank you. If you feel taken advantage of and don't really want to help her in that way, then don't. Remember, she wants you to split up, so letting her fend for herself on this is not unreasonable at all. Again, if you decline to do this, be polite and respectful when you decline.

[doodler]

tjcran,

I actually think you're right that collin shouldn't view this as "one last shot" and that he should be working on himself. But, it sounds like he has a walkaway wife (WAW) and not a WW, and supposedly, the WAW requires a lighter touch.

My usual disclaimer applies, I don't know much about the DBing stuff.

[collin]

tjcran,

I actually think you're right that collin shouldn't view this as "one last shot" and that he should be working on himself. But, it sounds like he has a walkaway wife (WAW) and not a WW, and supposedly, the WAW requires a lighter touch.

My usual disclaimer applies, I don't know much about the DBing stuff.

Doodler, it doesn't matter to me how much you do/don't know. I'm just thankful for any help I can get and thankful for the support.

I too have been under the impression that a WAW is a different situation than a WW. And is handled more delicately. A lot of the posts on here talk about going dark, I just feel like that would push her away in this situation. Instead of continuing to make her feel unloved and validated. I want her to feel loved. Thus the hooking up the internet and stuff like that. I have however put my foot down about helping her move her stuff.

[collin]

To me the "roommate" thing was unacceptable; I wanted a wife, not a roommate. But, this morning she told me that if I'd done the roommate thing for a couple of months, then I'd have had a chance. I don't know if I should believe that, but I suspect there's truth to it.

Yeah, that's what I told her, it may be a self-serving POV, but I told her I'm not in this for a good friend. I'm going to spend every day for the next 6 months (length of her lease) to get her to come back home. Yes, I know that's setting expectations. But, that's my goal. Do what I've got to do to win my wife back. Because essentially that's what I've got to do. I've done everything to make her fall OUT of love with me. Now, I need to make her fall back IN love with me. She said she's got a lot of emotional baggage to overcome. It's true, she does. I've said/done some stuff I hate myself for. The MC said if I were to step on your toe and hurt you, we can't just move forward without first resolving the fact that I stepped on your toe and with empathy felt the pain that the stepping on the toe caused. Well, I've stepped on toes...

[Rose888]

Collin, I'm torn on the internet issue.

My H talked about moving out. If he had, I can't see myself agreeing to assemble furniture for him. (That's our equivalent thing. I do all the assembling.)

Be a friend, yes. Friends don't hook up utilities. They listen to you vent about what a pain it is to hook up utilities.

Caveat--I'm new and still not sure my relationship is going to survive.

[collin]

My H talked about moving out. If he had, I can't see myself agreeing to assemble furniture for him. (That's our equivalent thing. I do all the assembling.)

I've already helped her pick up her couch she bought from the store and take it to her storage unit. I don't want her to hurt herself though. I'd feel like a a-hole if she hurt herself doing something that I could've been helping her do but I was too busy throwing myself a pity party.

For mothers day she got (sort of from me, but from D) door alarms that beep when you open the door for her townhome, pepper spray and I'm going to let her take the stun gun. I just want to be sure she's safe which I won't be able to be sure of when she's not at home.

[Rose888]

I wouldn't think of it as throwing yourself a pity party. Think of it as letting her experience life as a single person.

It seems to me you are already doing too much,

As it is now, she's going to experience the perks of singleness without the drawbacks. I can't see how that will go well for your M.