Too little too late?

[doodler]

CRW,

I've had a lot of tests and the problem that I've had is inconsistency. I'm not generally an angry person, but if I'm not at my best emotionally, then I usually don't do as well when the test comes along. I've got to work on that.

Do you like the coaching and do feel like it's been beneficial?

[CRW]

I think the coaching has been very helpful, especially sorting out some of the information and opinions from the message boards.

For example, in my previous thread, I mentioned a text where in response to me saying I had confused feelings about our direction going forward she responded with something along the lines of there was no hope of reconnecting love between us. Most people here took that as a death blow to our marriage. However, my coach pointed out that I never mentioned love to her, she brought that up on her own, meaning the thought is still in her head.

In general they are great at giving perspective and reminding that there is not a one size fits all solution to everyone's problem.

ie, if your spouse left because they felt emotionally neglected, going dark on them might not be the best response....

[CRW]

Well, silent treatment continues. Gotta love it.

[doodler]

CRW,

Thanks for your response about the coaching. I had some coaching and I liked it, but the advice on this forum seems to be quite a bit different compared to the coaching.

Thanks for mentioning the "no hope for connection" thing. It really helps to know that there's hope even when things seem hopeless.

I'm sorry you're getting the silent treatment. I hope things get better.

[CRW]

Did you read the book? Its quite a bit different than the advice here too.

Not that the advice here is bad, but total detachmnent and going dark and all that is not always the best path.

My coach directly told me, sometimes begging and pleading actually works! Those people aren't here though.

The themes I think are common are, stop chasing, stop controlling, and make yourself better.

[doodler]

CRW,

Yes, I read the book, but I need to reread it. I agree with you on the common themes.

How are you doing with regards to your wife? Do you feel like you've made progress?

[CRW]

So S15 is texting me wanting me to make him a dentist appointment. Technically W should be doing that. I asked her about it yesterday via text, no reply. Do I ask her again today? S15 just texted me about 15 minutes ago about it.

[BluWave]

CRW,

When in doubt, your coach knows your specific situation best, so go with that!

I also noticed differences between the book and advice here when we were separated. I think that is because the book covers everything, and these boards are quite specific; most of the posters are left behind spouses with a wayward in an A.

It seems like the hardest spot to be in and there is one chapter on that. If I recall, you can't work on a M while your spouse is in an A. They have to be willing to end the A, commit to the M, and offer transparency.

So the focus of these boards is on detachment, boundaries, and self improvement, which increases the likelihood they will come back around.

That has been my take on it.
-Blu

[CRW]

Just talked to the W regarding above situation. She basically said that she was very frustrated with S15. We worked something out for the dentist.

Interestingly enough, she said that she was going to go where I was going just to keep us all going to the same place.

The only downside was she said I didn't communicate enough. Funny huh?

[doodler]

The only downside was she said I didn't communicate enough. Funny huh?

Of course, if she'd said that you communicated perfectly and any lack of action was all her fault, then you probably would've died of a heart attack. Once again a WS saves the life of an LBS.

You should be thankful!