Marriage was in slow decline almost from the beginning. Wife asked for separation in mid April. I moved out May 1. She had previous EA 6 years ago. Had another currently. After one week of separation she asks for D. She hasn't worked on anything, doesn't want to, puts blame squarely on me. I have been hard at work improving myself since January 2016.
Tonight I will see my W when I visit the kids. Each time this has happened there has been tension. Partly because of me - I'm angry - and partly because of her, she is irritable and moody. I don't want it to be like that. What I want to do is give her a nice greeting and a hug. Why? Because that is who I am. I want people to know that I genuinely am glad to see them. Even my W, who has hurt me and our family, is someone that I like seeing, albeit in tiny doses at this point.
Part of me says this isn't a good idea because I know my wife wants to eat cake. She wants this D to go smooth, so she can feel less guilty. She appears to be thinking only of herself at this point. Why should I help reduce the guilt?
Part of me also looks at LRT methods and I feel I shouldn't be too engaging. Also, part of me thinks acting this way would be a 180 and she would really take notice.
Originally Posted By: tjcran Each time this has happened there has been tension. Partly because of me - I'm angry - and partly because of her, she is irritable and moody. I don't want it to be like that. What I want to do is give her a nice greeting and a hug. Why? Because that is who I am. I want people to know that I genuinely am glad to see them. Even my W, who has hurt me and our family, is someone that I like seeing, albeit in tiny doses at this point.
Cadet said: I think their is no reason to be ANGRY. That is on YOU. So the only way that you will not be angry is if you hug her and give a nice greeting? Not sure that is a great idea, but not being angry is also a good strategy and I think you should focus on your children and how you portray your image to them. Certainly you are not angry at them, Right?
So you need to detach from all of this. Go visit your children, fake not being angry if you need to. Skip the small talk with your wife and the hug. It is pursuit and not part of this deal.
Oh, and please start a new thread as you are over 100 posts, and we can discuss this there. _________________________ Me-62, D29,S28
I agree that I need to let go of the anger. The hug and nice greeting is not to counteract the anger, it is who I am. I'm that way with all the other important people in my life.
My W made a comment to me several weeks ago that she has never felt that I was that in to her. I've felt that she has been resistant to my shows of affection and they slowly dwindled away. Part of my GAL is being comfortable being who I am. When I greet the important people in my life I am pleasant, usually give them a hug and that fact that I am happy to see them shows.
So my question is essentially, why should it be any different in this situation? I am happy to see my W. I don't want to spend an hour talking to her right now, but I still am happy to see her.
"My W made a comment to me several weeks ago that she has never felt that I was that in to her. I've felt that she has been resistant to my shows of affection and they slowly dwindled away"
Hi Tjcran
When I read this I thought - Love languages. Have you read the five love languages or His Needs Her Needs?
May be helpful, given what you posted above...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Funny that you both mention love languages. I need to get the book.
Cadet, I see your point about pursuing. Two weeks ago when I stopped pursuing she used it as a weapon against me - "This just confirms that you don't care and never did." Which makes it tough to figure out what it is that she is after.
Yes, my only word of caution about love languages is I wouldn't want anyone to go out and read the book and really start to try and put the advice into practice. I think our R's need to be on a better footing before going all in with the love languages. However, it's good to understand more about them and there may be little opportunities to put that learning into practice as long as you primarily stick with the DBing rules.
Best of luck with things
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I played it pretty good last night when I saw my W. I was very pleasant and happy. Not much conversation, but I brought up a topic about school and there was a short pleasant exchange.
I know I need to be patient and keep on this path. What is so hard is that she suddenly shut me out of her life. It didn't happen gradually, it happened one day and that was that. How can a person even do that??
Another question I have - I'm not liking our living arrangement. I moved out. I did because she asked for space so she could figure things out. Not even a week later she says she has it all figured out and wants a D. Now she gets the run of the house, all its luxuries and conveniences, and her life is minimally disrupted. But here I am stuck in a tiny basement apartment, miles from my family, my work and my life. Do I push her on this issue?
What is so hard is that she suddenly shut me out of her life. It didn't happen gradually, it happened one day and that was that. How can a person even do that??
YOU and almost everyone else that posts on this website. So read as much as you can here, you are just posting part of the script.
Originally Posted By: tjcran
Another question I have - I'm not liking our living arrangement. I moved out. I did because she asked for space so she could figure things out. Not even a week later she says she has it all figured out and wants a D. Now she gets the run of the house, all its luxuries and conveniences, and her life is minimally disrupted. But here I am stuck in a tiny basement apartment, miles from my family, my work and my life. Do I push her on this issue?
This is a reason that we do not recommend moving out at first and is one of the major mistakes that people make in a divorce situation. Possession is 9/10. Have you consulted a lawyer? Can you move back in? I can also say moving out was conflict avoidant. A behavior that you have, that should be worked on.
