Need some help from the DB community! Crunch Time!

[cbtdad]

i definitely don't want to be that doormat. But I also want to show her that I'm trying to be more helpful.
For instance I'm working out tomorrow at 8am so I offered to take him to school if she got him ready in the morning
Normally I wouldn't even offer. I'd just expect that she take him and that's "her job"
We were over at neighbors for Mother's Day and W was just quiet and agitated
Not sure what is going on with her
I finally just asked is everything ok and she just said she was having a bad day
I didn't ask any further
I really think I need to wait to MC on Wednesday because I think bringing up anything R talk right now is more of the same
So I'm just enjoying my son and working for now

[cbtdad]

I've got a question on validation. It's been a while unfortunately and I'm wondering if I'm doing it right. It's important for me because one of W complaint is me not listening and just interrupting and telling her what to do
I realize now that a lot of times she just wants me to listen
Here is an example of text exchange we just had:

W: "So wow. I wasn't upset about not being invited until I just saw Erin was invited to Stacys wedding"

Me: "I don't know what to say
But I can understand why that would upset you"

W: "I mean I'm not upset but it just hurts. Like especially since the only reason she was friends with Erin or Katherine for that fact was bc of me"

W: "I wouldn't have gone. But an invite would have been nice"

Me: "Seems like you have a right to be hurt
Makes sense"

[LiM]

To me, that looks like you did a good job. Validating is about acknowledging their feelings. You don't need to necessarily agree with them but it is incredibly powerful to acknowledge how someone is feeling about something.

[doodler]

cbtdad,

I agree with LiM, it looks like you did a good job.

My wife often has an accusatory tone (she's an ex-cop) and I'm sensitive and defensive; those don't mix well. Validation has worked wonders for me, but I still don't do enough of it. One thing I have found is that even the simplest validation like, "I see that you're angry" can go a long way to keeping the conversation going forward without strife.

[cbtdad]

Ok. Thanks I thought it seemed correct in my responses. I'm not only doing that for her so she feels like she can talk to me more with just me listening, but I need to do it all around for customers as well. It's something that I need to work on and continue to work on
Something else I know I need to work on that hit me last night. As we were sitting around the neighbors back patio I was talking about our S in church. How one guy told him he prays really good, which made me smile inside:)
But also how when we got out to walk into church my S said, "daddy why does everyone look so beautiful today?" I said, because it's Mother's Day today remember. He said oh yeah and momma is tired she just wanted to sleep
Well after I told this story I realized how it could come across as me criticizing wife for not going to church by telling that storer and doing it in front of her.
I do that toe of stuff all the time and I don't know why I do it. I've got to stop
I alsmot text her this morning apologizing for it, but decided not to

[cbtdad]

Ok. So does this seem like the texts from someone who is "miserable" and is "scared to stay"

W: "Mongolian beef or salmon?"
Me: "Let's go with Salmon"
W: "Ugh. Ok"
Me: "I'm sorry. Was that the wrong answer? Lol"
W: "Haha no"
W: "Does Publix have salmon?"
Me: "I think they usually do
But maybe Mother's Day might have cleaned them out"
W: "Ok. Hmmm some chicken dish or beef"
Me: "I'm good with whatever
I trust your judgment after you wowed me with the smothered chicken😉"
W: "Im making salmon"
W: "You need to get a Pinterest so you can look at some of my recipes"
W: "They have quinoa crusted chicken"
M: "Looking forward to trying the salmon
I'll check that out"


Ok so I posted that whole exchange again because I'm wanting to make sure that I'm keeping text as much as I should. I also complimented her in her cooking which is 180. She really has been doing more around the house since I started doing more as well. It's just different for me this time around because we are sill in same house. I also believe at this point that I am dealing with a WAW and not a WW like last time
Because of these differences I'm talking with a DB coach tonight.
Last time it was easier for me to detach and not respond, etc when we lived apart

[cbtdad]

Interesting night to say the least. I can never figure these things out
So W waits until I get off till 9pm to cook the dinner mentioned in text above.
It was very good and I made sure I complimented her. She also invites me to her Awards banquet that's in a couple weeks. She actually has two tickets and I told her to take son instead. Her partner is bringing her 6 year old daughter as well.
Anyways after the first time the two of us had dinner just the two of us in who knows how long I actually I had a DB coaching call at 10pm
So I told her I had a work conference call and went for a walk around the neighborhood while I talked to DB coach.
I got a lot of good tidbits from DB coach. She says to just treat W as a good friend right now. Anytime I think about saying something or doing something. Ask myself if I would treat a good friend the same way.
I asked her what happens if W says she wants to work on MR at MC on Wednesday and she said to respond that is encouraging but that I would like to take it slow. She actually said not to move back into MBR right away and to work on being friends right now.
She said I need to let go and realize that I have no control and no expectations.
So she asked me my short term goals. One of them was to trust wife.
So I grabbed W's iPad to erase all previous texts that I had seen so she wouldn't know I snooped in first place and that would be the last time I looked.
Well I went to erase text between her and friend. Same one she told that she was miserable and didn't want to be married to me anymore.
Anyways, there was a pic my wife sent her said, "I changed"
It was my wife in a very revealing shirt showing. Very low cut.
The friend responded with, "he's not here right now"
I'm not reading too much into that. But as I was deleting texts she also wrote, "I'm about to lose my whole life"
I'm so confused as to treat me like she does today and invites me to her award banquet. I'm not surprised, just confused how these things go
I'm the end I am down with snooping. I don't think there is anything EA/PA going on at the moment. That was the reason I snooes in first place.
So time trust the process and trust her. I've got to get rid of my controlling ways and no doubt snooping is controlling

[cbtdad]

Ok.
So this morning I wake up and I'm have those negative thoughts again. The thoughts of do I really want to be married to W. I wonder am I just afraid to be alone and to pull the trigger on divorce myself. I begin to have all these thoughts that what she said is right. That she cant make me happy the way I want. She is right. I do want more children. She doesn't. I do want someone who enjoys physical touch and will hug me and kiss me when they see me. Someone to cuddle with. Someone who wants me in bed. I think to myself. I'm a good looking gut, with a great career and I'm a great father. I can do better. So why am I staying around?
I don't think I should stay in my marriage because of my son, but I do feel like I owe him the effort and to give it a go.
I just get confused at times as to wondering if I really want this

[doodler]

cbtdad,

I have the same thoughts. My wife just moved out and my sons spent the night with her. I didn't really miss her, but I miss the boys. I talked to my boys on the phone this morning with tears in my eyes. I feel bad about the fact that miss my sons so much, but not my wife. m I just don't have the same feelings for my wife that I have for my sons. I love her, but she's caused so much turmoil and pain, that I'm ambivalent. I hate to say that, but it's how I feel.

Will I continue trying to bring the marriage and family back together? Yes I will! But, in process I'm going to have to fall deeply in love with my wife or it's not going to work.

I know it's frustrating for you, but I think it's normal to feel conflicted. I guess we all have to decide when to call it quits, but that fact that you posted your feelings probably means that you still want to trudge on and try to save the marriage.

[cbtdad]

So W texts me and ask me to join her and neighbors for sushi tonight.
It's just weird between us right now. I mean it's just awkward. Without our marriage I'm beginning to wonder if we are actually friends. She has changed a lot since becoming and EMT and we have stopped doing a lot of things together.
My DB coach told me last night that we need to be friends again if this is going to last this time around.
I really started to think about that tonight and in wondering if this is possible
I keep doubting a lot of things in this relationship right now.
We are going to MC tomorrow and I'm not really sure what's going to happen.
I'm definitely having anxiety about it and I'm wondering if I'm actually going to be happy if she says she wants to work on it or happy that she may say it's time to move on. On one hand there are so many reasons why I want this to work
On the the other I just think I'm delaying the inevitable. If not now it just feels we will divorce at some point.

I'm going to play gold early in the morning with some friends from work
I'm also starting IC Thursday morning. Regardless of what she/I decide I know I don't won't to bring some of hear bad traits and habits into new marriage.
Whether that's a new marriage with my W or someone down the road
I know I want to be the man I can be