Something I do have is a book of rambling notes that my W wrote to me during our first year or so together. I have been going over and looking back at who we were when we met, what drew me to my W etc. I find it hard to put into words but there was just an instant connection, we met at a wedding were I was the best man. A friend of mine married one of my W's cousins. We spent 4 days together immediately, I flew to where she lived at the time within 36 hours of meeting her. We spent 4 days together before I went back to the UK. Our relationship was built over the phone, we would talk for hours. I immediately booked tickets to fly to her for her birthday, bought her a necklace for someone I had spent less than a week with.
One of the things I have read that she wrote about me the was how she loved me for what I was doing for her, I did as I said I would. Some of my friends tell me I spoilt her, that she never had to ask for anything, that I did way too much for her. She used to tell people when we met how I was the best man and I was the best man. I was always there for her, she used to call in the middle of the night to talk, to cry and I'd pick up and listen. Just listen.... I know now, from my IC, hat I was on the verge of a breakdown, I had already collapsed and spent a night in hospital last year. I couldn't be everything she wanted me to be, do everything she wanted me to do, this I can accept and move on from. I guess the bit I struggle with myself is I lost that ability to listen, to validate, to support the emotional weight as I was breaking myself. I am forgiving myself, sometimes a little slowly, and I know W has her share of responsibility to this and only time will tell if she does...
Another thing she wrote about me was my kindness and generosity, something that has always been there but got mixed up with the arguments and life struggles. I would love to be that person again but I know I can't when there is someone else involved, I don't know the extent of the involvement, I know it is at least emotional but I assume the worst.
My FiL wrote to me a couple of months ago and told me to win my wife back with kindness and humility, (an man that also had an affair). I did tell him at the time I could but, as he well knew, that can not be done when unless a third party is removed completely. Something he did for his W and family to his credit.
Patience is something I generally had in spades, I lost so much over the past year and it's one of my ongoing works with myself and a situation like this sure tests it like no other.
My thoughts of where she might be or who she might be with are not troubling me, I'm happy to say. Texts and emails are fine as long as I don't try and analyse every nook and cranny, just take them as is and deal with it. I do feel my strength returning, I know I have to be patient with myself also, I have recovery work of my own even outside of my W's decision. There was too much going on emotionally, mentally, physically for me in the past 2 years that it broke me. It's kinda scary hearing my IC tell me how close he thought I was to a potential complete breakdown. I'm just glad to be going in the right direction again, the cost has been potentially huge in terms of my family, but I will rise again.
I was never one to reach out to friends, (something that my W was critical of) (and this was down to being let down by friends that I had supported heavily in the past) never mind strangers, but the support amongst people here that are in different places, different stages of life, has shown me how niave at times I was to try and work things out by myself all the time.
