One other thing is that you're thisclose to being a dick. Ignoring her for what purpose? Just to get back at her for your own pain. That's a really bad approach to DBing. Go back and re-read the boundaries and validation cheat sheet along with Sandi's Rules. They are posted here for a good reason: setting people straight onto a path of quiet strength and iron clad courage.
Yep, this is a really bumpy ride. HOWEVER, you alone can only control your mouth and actions. It's on you buddy even if we give you gold bullions on a 14K solid gold plate.
I am really so confused... I feel like I'm reading from a different playbook and can't seen to understand why I can't figure out what type of communication I should be having with her..
Wonka, I've been trying to ignore her because your last post to me yesterday was
"top, stop...STOP. Full on stop talking to W! Step away and no one gets hurt. Say and do nothing for 1 week. "
So I have been trying my best from keeping from saying anything... And I thought when I do talk to her I was supposed to validate, and all the while be detaching... I can do painful truth, but I honestly didn't know that was what I should be doing at this point... I was pretty good about detaching today, I was upbeat with my son, being happy and no tears or showing any concern about what she thought.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Coconut, in the movie EAT, PRAY, LOVE, one of the characters get a name tag that says " I am in silence". I suggest that you literally make yourself that name tag, if you cannot think it in your head. If your WW speaks to you, then point at the name tag.
Speak with your eyes, with your head, your hands, your body. Words right now are only going to be daggers thrown and all that you're going to get back are daggers.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
I have a question... Would it be a bad idea if I left town for two weeks or so? Tell S and spouse that I'm going to visit family up north and go dark on WW... I would still speak to son.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
I personally don't think so. That would just be running away, the same thing she does when she goes to OM. Face your tiger, snarl at it, show it that you're stronger than it and have no fear.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Wonka, I've been trying to ignore her because your last post to me yesterday was
"Stop, stop...STOP. Full on stop talking to W! Step away and no one gets hurt. Say and do nothing for 1 week. "
So I have been trying my best from keeping from saying anything... And I thought when I do talk to her I was supposed to validate, and all the while be detaching... I can do painful truth, but I honestly didn't know that was what I should be doing at this point... I was pretty good about detaching today, I was upbeat with my son, being happy and no tears or showing any concern about what she thought.
You've taken the bolded section too literally. What I meant was stop talking about the M or issuing ultimatums (and applying pressure) to W for the time being because you have not yet grasped the basic principles of DBing. You're not still quite there yet. Sure, it'll take some time to absorb and integrate it into your mindset. Although I'm pleased to see that you've started visiting other threads and posting comments which is a good thing to do because it means you're reading and learning. Keep it up, bud.
There is a fine art to validating and knowing WHEN to do it. Oh gosh, trust me when I say that I've screwed up DBing several times as a newly minted newbie. What I did was reading other DBers threads and stole some really good gems or scripts in which a Word doc file was maintained so I can read and re-read them over and over until I "got it." Please understand that it was waaaay before Sandi's Rules and those cheat sheet. And gasp loong before Cadet's welcome post with homework links. Talk about living it in the rough.
What you need to do is:
- do not initiate any M or R talks - let W be the one to bring them up - maintain your boundary of not living in an open marriage (btw, this is not a controlling statements/stance) - stay in the house and MBR - be busy with GAL activities (perhaps do boy stuff with son) - drink tons of STFU Smoothies - read up on Sandi's WAW threads - do interesting things/hobbies because you LIKE them (not as a ploy to get W's attention)
What were some of W's complaints about you? What were her concerns/issues about you? Focus on the ones that are legitimate and do 180s on them for it is it is a lifetime thing for YOU. They are not a gimmick to get W back, but a way to channel your focus in becoming a much better man that a fool would leave.
Here's the deal. You were suffering from diarrhea of the mouth. We were trying to get it stopped. When she is living in the same house with you, and you refuse to speak (hello, good-bye, pass the salt), it does make you appear kind of like a jerk, but I see how you may have misunderstood. We don't want you getting into a talk with her. That is when you are vulnerable and do not know when to stop.
Quote:
Ok, I just got trapped, she came into MBR and said that Son sees me ignoring her and he's going to start asking questions if I'm not at least courteous, I said I understand your concern but I need time.
She is using this as her leverage. She believes you will back down from talking with S16. The next time she pulls this, tell her, "Fine, if you are sure that's what you want. However, he will be told the truth. I am not going to lie to my son to cover your affair". Then no matter how she reacts, you remain calm and in control.
As for responding to everything she says, you don't. You use your best poker face. Listen to what she has to say. Everything does not require a verbal response. However, if she should approach you about wanting to save the M.........listen intently to what she has to say, before you jump into it. If she tries to bring up a bunch of stuff from the past or blame you for things, you still listen. If she does not take responsibility for the A, and tries to blame something for it........and if she does not apologize to you.......wait till she is done and then respond. "I cannot live in a M of three people. None of our problems can be resolved as long as the third person is involved in any way. If it continues, then I will make the appropriate steps to divorce". (This is not meant to be a threat. You are telling her what you cannot live with and what you will do if it continues. She has a choice).
As for taking a couple of weeks away..........I suppose it depends on your reason. Is it to avoid the emotional pressure you feel at home? Are you hoping she'll miss you...enough it will matter? Are you needing the space and time to think, study, and plan?
If you should take off, don't make up phony excuses. Be sure that you tell her you need some time and space to think. If she starts with the questions, don't get into a talk about it. Look at her with that Rhett Butler expression, and say, "It looks as if we both have decisions to make". Say no more. Ask her not to contact you unless it is very important. Of course, son can call at anytime.
You don't want to appear as a hurt little puppy going away to lick his wounds. Keep your poker face.
She may just take advantage of the time you are gone, or she may believe she's really messed up now, and that YOU may decide you don't want to be M to her anymore, after the way she has disrespected you. Now, most LBH'S are terrified that their WW will get that very idea. They don't realize (the LBH'S ) that this is exactly what the WW needs to wonder.
If you get time, I hope you will read my threads about WW's.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Wonka, other than cordial good mornings or byes, I haven't initiated any talk with WW in what seems like 4 or 5 days. I've posted every verbal and text communication we have had. I see that I wasn't creating boundaries, so I read up on that most of the night (only slept 2 hours).
Ok, so rough morning... I wake S up to get ready for school, then go to MBR to get dressed for the day. WW wakes up 15-20 mins later, and S sees her come out of the guest bedroom and asks why she's sleeping in there, I don't know if she responded to him..
So WW comes in MBR and tells me about S question, I said that it's going to be a tough discussion to have and go into the bathroom.
(I did not lose my cool during any of the following, no tears.. She was very upset, raising voice, teary eyes)
She follows me into the bathroom and starts going into how she's not gonna do this anymore, let me treat her this way, she's moving back into the MBR, and I'm gonna start treating her better because she doesn't want to upset S. I said Really, you want to move back into the MBR while you are having an affair with another man, totally disrespecting me and our marriage, I will not be apart of or remain in an open marriage. She started saying "had an emotional affair, it's over", yadayada yadda.
I walk over and say goodbye to my S, he says bye and I walk out of the house. I close front door and go to lock it, and WW flings it open, I back up and she comes out and closes the door. She says that she is not going to live with this disrespect and that I'm going to either treat her with respect so it doesn't effect our S, or I can leave the house. I advised that I am not leaving our house, and walked away and get in my truck. She then runs over a flings the door open and starts saying that she is not going to let this affect our S. I said your very upset, why don't we talk about this more when you calm down, and she kept saying that she is not gonna live like this, and I said things will change once you end all contact with the other man (probably bad choice of response). She then said I had an emotional affair because you neglected me for years, yadayada. Then she walks back inside.
So that's pretty much all of it, I am hurting because she screams and yells and of course our son hears her, I'm not sure if I should just initiate a conversation with him or wait till he comes to me.
I think it's pretty sad what this A high has done to her... Our S was her whole life the whole time we've been married, but recently she didn't do anything for him on Easter (luckily I did last minute, but she didn't know that), she barely talks to him, on Mothers Day she left him at the house alone at like 6pm, didn't go to dinner with him or even get him dinner. It's sad.. So anyway, I feel like I'm gonna get home to a mess today..
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Very nice Coconut. Go home with confidence that you did exceptionally well. Go home with a smile on your face like nothing happened.
Let her bring it up and think about a boundary about her shouting. Perhaps, say if she wants to discuss things to do it when S is not there or does it quietly in the MBR - or you will leave the house instantly.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
