WAW moved out, spewing anger, trying to detach

[SH_]

Journaling

So this week was a bit up and down.
Tuesday was the epic blow up of WAW at her place of work, also d5 school.
I was shaken, but not stirred as I then had a good rest of the week all things considered. Mentally and emotionally that is.

Thursday evening I started to feel sick. Physically. Left work early on Friday, but as of now I am feeling better and think I will be good to go in the morning.

I had d5 Friday and Saturday. D17 was babysitting until late Friday, and had several different events on Saturday. A job search event and the internship with the John McCain campaign. She then spent the evening and overnight with her mother.
D5 was so much fun and hung out with me in spite of me feeling ill. She took care of me and was ever so cute. She made me watch Shrek the musical. Over 2 hours long, but she watched every minute of it and so I had to as well. This after she watched all week at school. When she told me it was her favorite, she was not kidding.

D5 was picked up Sunday morning to spend Mother's Day with her mom.
I rested as still not feeling well.

D17 asked me to pick her up at 1pm. When I got her, she seemed sad. She said that she enjoys spending time with her mom, but it is just not right. She said it is like going to grandmas house for a vacation as all they do is have fun. She is torn, because it feels good, but it does not feel right. She shared that d5 behaves completely different at mothers house compared to mine. She says she is very disobedient and challenges her mother on everything. She acts out and cries frequently.

It hurts to hear these things as the WAW is living a bizarre fantasy. D17 shared that she is struggling financially but opening credit cards and purchasing things because her family is encouraging her to do so. D17 says she just wants to help her, but does not know how.

I listen, try to validate, and encourage her to focus on herself and the things she can do to accomplish her goals. Her mother will have to do what she thinks is best for her.

Unfortunately the conversation incites some anger in me, that I try to keep to myself, but d17 catches on after awhile and asks me about it. I try to change the subject, but over the next few hours I make comments about the frustration I have, and then catch myself.
Here I thought I was detaching and then some hot anger starts to boil.

D17 and I get some errands done, have dinner clean up and plan to sit and relax for the evening. I call my mom to wish her happy Mother's Day,

Then WAW calls. I answer thinking it is going to be call from d5, but it is not. WAW wants to switch up weekends because family is coming into town for d17 graduation. I have plans next weekend, and so can not agree to her proposal. I tell her I will review calendar and follow up. She also wants to schedule her vacation time over the July 4th holiday to take d5 for 2 weeks. I tell her I will evaluate. WAW has so many requests for adjustments and it is always to appease her family. My opinion.

The I ask if her L had been in contact. She says no. She is not speaking with her L because she did not pay him enough to negotiate as she states. I am surprised as I saw email from him to my L indicating he would contact her for her input. Things do not add up.

She then says to bring the finance paperwork to her so she can see the changes. I ask her what changes? She says the ones I was going to talk to L about after our "conversation" Tuesday. Is this for real I am thinking. The conversation where she berated me and so forth? I reply that I did discuss them, and there were not any changes. She then called my integrity, honor and value as a person and man into question again. Almost the exact same words and phrases as last Tuesday. I mean does she have a speeches rehearsed here? Am I crazy or what is the reality picture being painted by her. She says that you can never make a decision. You only do what you are told. I reply that I will not use emotions in this process. She said that you should. I reply that I won't as I discussed with her previously. These decisions should be made for long term at this point. She said you are just a liar and do whatever to look out for yourself. I replied that she really should speak with her lawyer so she can understand the laws around her decision for D.

So I fail at DBing conversation here as I reply that I don't know what you want me to say. She says many things and then says again I just want this to be over and I will be glad when it is. I reply before I even think about it, yes, then you can finally have what you have wanted. She screams , you forced this, you only take care of yourself and you forced this. And then hangs up.

Well, I start shaking again. But I think it was anger this time. How much longer do I need to go through this. Why is it going downhill so fast. I am a failed student of the Db process it feels to meeting its name. But I know that I will still use Dbing to make me whole as I was to late in finding this valuable information.

I did not ask for a D. So how could I force this?
I partnered with a L to understand the D process when she asked for it. So how does that make me a liar or dishonest?
I love my W. So how am I just looking out for myself by getting out of the way, and letting the D happen?
I never wanted or would try to hurt my W. So why does she put all the blame on me?

Dam it!! How bad was my MR! That I was oblivious to so much. Right now I could not go back to the way it was, if this was all under the surface all of this time.

My focus is on my daughters, myself and a bright future. This really is a bad nightmare, that must end soon. There must be something better out there that will create joy for myself and my family.

And now I will end this ramble......

Sleep well everyone. It is well deserved by many and way overdue for many more.