I haven't posted for a little while but have been reading the threads every day. Over the last couple weeks I've had some trouble being in LBS replay, depressed and angry. I can't get it all off my mind and out of my dreams, it's been so consuming. I've also been having lots of dreams that w has come back which are also upsetting.
I was out of town this week and Thursday afternoon, on my way back, she asked if I wanted to take the kids that night. Well, I'm not going to say no, especially with her requested custody bs, so I hurried home 8 hours so I could get an hour or so time with them. Unfortunately it gave me a lot of time to stew and I realized it was cinco de mayo and she probably wanted to go out or had other plans. She promptly had the kids over to drop off when I got back (unlike her because she's always late) and I was so upset I could barely look at her or talk to her. Why am I humiliated when it's her actions to be ashamed of? My night didn't get much better because it upset me more that it takes about a day for the kids to get back into our normal swing of things and they test me constantly during that time. After they went to bed I let it out realizing I was nothing to come back to in this state. Why would she want an angry, bitter, or depressed h? I was driving her towards om. I think another part of this problem my feeling bad was Mother's Day coming up. I always made it special for w. Before all this she has been such a great mother to our kids; it's still unbelievable this has all happened.
Since me going cold wasn't working I decided to do a coaching session Friday. It helped me think of all the tools I've forgotten about. We talked about me needing to forgive her for my own sake and I realized I had angrily detached. Well, at least partially, I know I haven't completely detached and don't know if I ever really can, she was my best friend. In fact, I was going to take a family picture of us down but when I had it in my hands looking at it I was looking at another person that I feel died with our friend. I put it back up.
Since things have seemed go be getting worse lately (no to very little contact and more distancing) I decided to try something different than she would expect. The kids made her some things at school for Mother's Day and Friday after school we went and picked her out a nice piece of jewlry (something I did on the regular before the kids and marriage) and they painted the box.
She was pretty cold and didn't respond yesterday when I sent her some pics of the kids at family day at the museum which made my mind more crazy as she usually does but I tried not to let it get to me. We did joke just a bit last night texting after she talked to the kids when I texted to explain why she heard me yell when she was on the phone with them but I couldn't shake the feeling she was with om because of her delays and sloppy texts. I left for a minute and they put a whole new meaning to butt dialing and credit card call, and I had to give my phone a good bleaching! Lol
She came over this morning to get them for Mother's Day and I told her to come in to get them. I apologized for the other night and told her I didn't want her to feel unwelcome. I swapped car seats while she went in, unfortunately there was I suitcase in her car so I know I wasn't being crazy but I did my best to ignore it. She was dressed in a new short skirt and looked nice but really tired. When I came in she asked about her necklace, told me it was nice and she liked it, and thanked me. I told her happy Mother's Day and we talked a few minutes before they left. I struggled but managed to hold it in until they left then let it out. I kept busy fixing my car, doing some housework, and job hunting today.
Since what I've been doing hasn't been working, when she brought the kids back I asked if she would like to have dinner with us. She asked if I was sure it was okay and then agreed. She stayed around about 10-15 minutes while it was cooking but then said it was that time and she needed to go because there wasn't anything here for her. I got to talk to her just a bit about some safe things and ask about her dad during that time. She joked about my phone again too.
Even though she didn't stay for dinner I think it was a step in the right direction. When she picks up the kids d's hair and nails are done, both kids are dressed nice and happy, the house is clean, etc. as always. And this weekend she got jewelry and an offer for a nice dinner in spite of everything. Hopefully that gave her something to think about.
I hope you all had a great Mother's Day! I know all the moms here definitely deserve it. Take care.
