Working on detachment, my anxiety, and the joys of limbo

[Phoebe]

Ugh. So the movie I chose has a character who is a complete philanderer. So, for the record, a movie to avoid if infidelity is a trigger is "She's Funny Like That." I turned it off.

I was thinking earlier (bad idea, I know) and another piece of the puzzle fell into place. Last year my H went on a biz trip. He told me had to stay an extra week for work, and when he came home he was acting really strange. I already found out that he traveled at least part of that extra week and lied about it. (H didn't tell me, I discovered it in my own a couple weeks ago.) Why didn't it occur to me until tonight that there was more to it than just travel? Something happened on that trip. Did he cheat then, too? Was that when he decided he was leaving and everything afterward was just him waiting to pull the trigger? The worst part was that I went WITH him on the first part of that trip! Why did he ask me to even go along if he was planning to do something like that?

The BAN leader said that in the case of waywards that give 'trickle truth,' rather than coming clean all at once, that I might start figuring things out in retrospect. The pieces of the puzzle would start to fit together. He also implied that trickle trurh is a poor prognostic factor for R. He asked me if I would be surprised if the affair (or affairs- so awful to even contemplate) started earlier that what H admitted. I said I would be. Why am I so naive?

I spent 25 years always believing the best of this man, and now it's like the facade is crumbling off. I was looking at photos today and I thought we had such a good life and R. I wonder if I will ever actually know the truth. How many more times will I figure things out like this?

It's s crummy feeling to wonder how much of my marriage was a lie.