You sound like you are off to a good start. I agree with the others, prepare yourself that this could take a while. And there is certainly a lot of peaks and troughs- we don't call it a rollercoaster for nothing.
Her questioning is her own insecurities. Kind of sounds like she isn't sure she wants to be with you, but she knows full well she doesn't want anyone else yo neither!
Keep up with doing things to help you. A lovely lady on this site once described db-ing in a great analogy to me, like the oxygen mask on a plane, put on your own before helping others. And it is so true- we must focus on so we can help others.
Keep focused on d too, protect her, give her as much normality as she can. And enjoy the love you get from your d. We are all here for you
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Hi sandi2 - how do you get WAW to stop resenting and respecting H again? Its so strange how you can be together for 12+ years and then it's like living with a stranger. I am starting to think it will be better for me (less anxiety etc) if she gets her own place. No D papers filed yet that I know of.
I would dare say that her resentment has slowly been building over the years. IMHO, women will try to inwardly press down certain disappointments or unfulfilled expectations in the MR. She may have tried, in her own way, to talk about it, but her H tunes her out, for one reason or another. Over the years of M, things mount inwardly, which means her resentments continues to grow. Perhaps her H has not been the man she thought he was, or did not stick to his word, or failed at a number of jobs, or he doesn't spend time with his kids, or sides with his family over her, or won't do the man's work around the home, or he does things to make her jealous, compares her to other women,.............the list could be endless. She not only has resentment but now she begins to feel disrespect for him as man, and most of all.....her H.
In the beginning, her resentment may surface through means of whining, nagging, complaining, etc. She may appear depressed or in a bad mood. Men tend to overlook this and think it's related to hormones, or whatever. As the resentment turns to disrespect, it shows in her attitude, her tone of voice, her sharp-edged words, b'tchiness, bossiness, put-downs, and most of all.........the sex life usually declines.
So how does a man turn around these negative feelings of his W? Well, I think he first needs to become the man he was when she fell in love with him.......or become better. So many people lose sight of who they were that caused their spouse to be attracted to them. They start taking each other for granted. Let their appearance go, or the romantic fun end, or the attentiveness, etc. They stop being that inner person who made them special in the first place. They get so wrapped up with the wear & tear of family life they forget they have to intentionally keep their love alive or it starves from malnutrition.
I suggest you examine your marital history and see if any of those things fit. You said you were not bad looking, but what about how you interacted with her, and the kids? Was there something specifically happened that could have started the deterioration of her desire for you as her H? Did you stop wearing the pants? Did you leave everything for her to do...or did you let her be a princess while you did everything? We're there things that happened that she saw you being weak, and not standing up the way you should? Did you avoid conflict with your family members or her? I could go forever, but do you get the idea?
I think I've previously talked about how some guys acted more like a hired hand instead of the man in the house, catering to the W's every whim. Cleaning everything, doing all the cooking, the laundry, on & on. That is not what wins the heart of a woman. She isn't attracted to a housekeeper and cook! She wants a man. If he has helped in creating a spoiled brat, then he has a very bad situation on his hands. And if he has always done everything b/c she refused to do.............same thing, a spoiled brat. Know what to do? You unspoil her! and you don't tolerate her brattiness. Boundaries are useful here, too.
When a H is totally blindsided by his W announcing she wants a D, and he is completely lost as to why........I think there is a hidden factor somewhere.
I am getting hand cramps from typing most all day (lost a ton of stuff I had typed ) so I need to take a break. If you have not read my threads on wayward W's, it covers much of the information you are seeking.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Getting out last night was good... hard seeing all the couples together having fun though. W never asked a thing. Went to church and bought her some flowers today for D7 afterwards. D7 said they were perfect. W and D7 went to lunch with W's folks something I usually attend but wasn't invited. It was fine I kept busy and spent the rest of day with D7 when they got home. While I was fixing D dinner W asked if I still want to do irreconcilable differences. I told her this is not my D and it was her choice. Told her that I would rather not get Ls involved and she nodded. She also asked if I had figured out if I was going to buy her out re the house and I told her that I was waiting to hear back from accountant this week. I get the worst stomach churning every time she wants to discuss D. I know its because this isn't what I want but need to accept what is for my own mental health. It helps to know that I deserve to be treated better, but still hurt for D7. Regarding telling D7 I told W that she would need to tell D7 re her choice I would be present but quiet. She said that was unfair and I said I wouldn't lie to her since this is W's path not mine. Not sure how to tell D7, any advice would be appreciated.
Me: 48 WAW:40 T:14yr M:12 yr d8 BD 2/2016 WAW moves out 6/05
Poschan, i'm not trying to hijack your thread here..just Sandi said something that I can relate to 100%.
Quote:
I think I've previously talked about how some guys acted more like a hired hand instead of the man in the house, catering to the W's every whim. Cleaning everything, doing all the cooking, the laundry, on & on. That is not what wins the heart of a woman. She isn't attracted to a housekeeper and cook! She wants a man. If he has helped in creating a spoiled brat, then he has a very bad situation on his hands. And if he has always done everything b/c she refused to do.............same thing, a spoiled brat. Know what to do? You unspoil her! and you don't tolerate her brattiness. Boundaries are useful here, too.
My W always complained that I didn't show her I loved her. Simple male mind here, I thought that as long as I did stuff for her, like doing laundry, taking care of dogs, doing this, doing that, I was showing her I loved her. In reality, I think I was doing the opposite. I was using that as showing her love and not showing her love the way I should've been. I really need to look into boundaries though. Because I think that when she calls my name from the bedroom, when I'm in the living room, to turn her light off is not having very good boundaries. But, what do you do when the boundaries make her mad?
I apologize Poschan for jumping on your thread like this. I just read that and it really hit home.
M:36 W:31 D:12 M: 8/9/10 ILYBNILWY/"want space": 2/14-ish/16 W moved out 5/24/16.
Hi. Poschan, I'm sorry to hijack your thread, too, but I had a question I wanted to ask Sandi.
Sandi, you give such great advice to LB husbands. Is there anyone whose threads you might recommend who can provide some similar perspective for a LB wife? A former WAH/WH, perhaps? I could really use some input. Thanks in advance.
Back to you, Poschan. I just caught up on your thread, and I am sorry that the march toward D is going so quickly. You seem to be very clear-headed in the way you are handling yourself. I wish I had some of that clarity.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
Poschan, I know how you feel. I've sat at my desk and cried more than I'd like to admit. Thankfully I sit facing the wall. But, this is a new week though...
M:36 W:31 D:12 M: 8/9/10 ILYBNILWY/"want space": 2/14-ish/16 W moved out 5/24/16.
Hang in there Poschan. I just read an article today about Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner reconciling. The author was against exes getting back together. She then went on to write that she was divorced and eventually got back together with her spouse,but only after growing, healing and changing. She said that she had to make sure the M was completely over first and only then was she able to re-commit to her XH, but it was as if it were a brand new R, because they had both changed. She went on to say that this MR was way better than her 1st. You first have to till the dirt so you can plant flowers.
thanks Melo. I have a question for anyone who has experience...for the S staying in the home and needing to refinance; when is the time to get the process started? I would hate to go forward with and spend the $ involved only to reconcile and lost the $ associated with a refinance. What it is the triggering point? W has told me she found a rental and intends to put a downpayment (don't know if she has yet). Plan to try and keep the home so that D7 isn't hit with so many drastic life changes. thanks in advance for any input
Me: 48 WAW:40 T:14yr M:12 yr d8 BD 2/2016 WAW moves out 6/05
) so I need to take a break. If you have not read my threads on wayward W's, it covers much of the information you are seeking.