Working on detachment, my anxiety, and the joys of limbo

[Phoebe]

Thank you for your kindness, Blu. Add in my grandmother in February and my father-in-law 3 years ago who died 10 days after entering the hospital, and it really has been a lot.

My next assignment for my grief counseling is to write down what they call a loss history graph. Basically it's a timeline of your life on which you plot all of your losses, be they minor or major. I've got quite a bit to record. I think that it's been piling up and piling up, and the H leaving just kind of was the last, and heaviest, straw, so to speak.

Super shaky sort of day, even though I'm been feeling mostly OK. I helped my father work on his own tractor today, and delivered the plants to my Mom, so that was nice. Then we all had dinner together, which was also lovely. She liked her flowers.

SadHub, on some level I know it shouldn't bother me so much to share with people, and yet it just feels like I'm admitting that there is something wrong with me, somehow. No matter how many people tell me that it's not my fault, and no matter how much I can agree with that sentiment intellectually, my heart still feels like I failed at something very important. Once again, my brain and the heart don't agree. Brain says, "so what if everyone knows." Heart says, "hide it away." Maybe someday they'll be on the same page.

I'm glad you didn't mind that I mentioned the drug interaction thing. Now that my H tells me I treated him like a child, I worry that I'll say something wrong. I'm careful what I say to my parents, too. H's changing list of complaints has kind of messed with my head.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my therapist. The state park I was going to go to today is right near the office, so I'm going to drop by and check it out afterward. I honestly didn't even know it existed until a few days ago, so I'm kind of excited to see it. There's a whole MeetUp group focused on this one park, from wildflower walks (what i missed today) to birdwatching to a lecture on trees. It's something like 350 acres, so there's plenty to explore.

Thanks for checking in on me, everyone. I'm going to try to get to bed earlier tonight, and Grl, I will definitely be adding in the melatonin!

[Phoebe]

Wow. I just looked back in my thread and realized that it has been 4 1/2 weeks since the disaster that was my last meeting with H. I had no idea it had been that long already. I so wish it had never happened. There has been almost no contact whatsoever since.

What prompted me to look was that I just had to send him an email asking him to check to see what happened to our tax refund. He said it would arrive by direct deposit, but only the state refund has showed up. I suspect it went into his private account, which will be a bad thing. I wish I could stay NC completely. I really have no interest in contact these days. I think of him and I just sort of feel empty. Sad, anxious, depressed, all of that, but empty.

[Phoebe]

Yuck. Just sending him that admin email makes me feel gross. Like I need to take a shower again.

Is repulsion a form of detachment, because I think that's what I'm feeling right now. Partly it's because, in looking back at my thread to see when I last met with H, I was reminded of how awful that last meeting really was and how badly I fell apart afterward.

Is there anyone out there whose spouse has completely dropped out of contact who can share their thoughts? Is my dreading contact normal? My disgust?

I think it's time for me to watch a DVD. Something to help me shake off this feeling.

[Painter]

Add in my grandmother in February and my father-in-law 3 years ago who died 10 days after entering the hospital, and it really has been a lot.

This jumped at me. I've read that divorce after a family death is very common.

H opened the door to OW after he lost his job, which was a big deal to us all.

When you're married to someone with ADHD, it's very hard not to become a parent in some respects. My H also felt the same way with me - that I treated him like a child sometimes. Big part of the resentment. You have to keep reminding someone to do stuff, otherwise important things don't get done. H also refused to use a calendar with reminders or anything that could help him remember things. He tried ritalin, and it helped, but it also made him really mean, so he quit them.

I'm sorry your H didn't get proper follow-up from his doctor... Any medical provider should understand that they can't just send someone with ADHD out the door with medication and no follow-up!

So fun that you discovered the park and that meetup group! I can tell you sound more interested in this than anything else.

[SH_]

I hope you found a fun dvd or watch. A good movie always takes my mind off of things.

I don't have much advice on my spouse dropping out of contact but I can tell you I do dread having to have contact with her. This weekend a few contacts in person and then this evening on the phone. Ugh...the phone convo was the worst. I will journal some details in my thread. But I wish at this point I could go no contact. I guess I need to work more on the detachment. Although I am not a fan of confrontation and I am not so sure if I would dread the same kind of contact with anyone that is so vile and nasty as she has been when we have to talk. It is just plain awful, and catches me off guard every time.

As for repulsion being a form of detachment. I am not sure, but I will tell you that I do know that feeling as well of late. So while I can't answer the question, I can tell you I have felt the same.

D17 and I just did our meditation, so I am hoping you have as well. Even just a 1 minute meditation counts I say.

Sleep well dear Phoebe so that you feel peace and start your Monday off well.

[Phoebe]

Ugh. So the movie I chose has a character who is a complete philanderer. So, for the record, a movie to avoid if infidelity is a trigger is "She's Funny Like That." I turned it off.

I was thinking earlier (bad idea, I know) and another piece of the puzzle fell into place. Last year my H went on a biz trip. He told me had to stay an extra week for work, and when he came home he was acting really strange. I already found out that he traveled at least part of that extra week and lied about it. (H didn't tell me, I discovered it in my own a couple weeks ago.) Why didn't it occur to me until tonight that there was more to it than just travel? Something happened on that trip. Did he cheat then, too? Was that when he decided he was leaving and everything afterward was just him waiting to pull the trigger? The worst part was that I went WITH him on the first part of that trip! Why did he ask me to even go along if he was planning to do something like that?

The BAN leader said that in the case of waywards that give 'trickle truth,' rather than coming clean all at once, that I might start figuring things out in retrospect. The pieces of the puzzle would start to fit together. He also implied that trickle trurh is a poor prognostic factor for R. He asked me if I would be surprised if the affair (or affairs- so awful to even contemplate) started earlier that what H admitted. I said I would be. Why am I so naive?

I spent 25 years always believing the best of this man, and now it's like the facade is crumbling off. I was looking at photos today and I thought we had such a good life and R. I wonder if I will ever actually know the truth. How many more times will I figure things out like this?

It's s crummy feeling to wonder how much of my marriage was a lie.

[Sotto]

Hi Phoebe, yes I agree it's a yucky feeling when you start looking at and questioning earlier stuff. A year or two before BD my H was due to travel home from work but decided to stay overnight after some work drinks. I was miffed at the time because he wasn't upfront about it. He didn't want to let this guy down and he also didn't want to let me down.

After BD I asked him if this had been a ONS - and he said no. But after all that has happened since, I do wonder you know?

25 years is a long time to be together and I'm sure that much of your life was good or your M would not have lasted so long. It isn't all a lie - but as you say, it's possible that waywardness set in a little earlier than you knew about.

Hope you managed to get a better sleep last night & take care xx

[Wonka]

Hiya, Phoebe.

You asked Sandi:

Sandi, you give such great advice to LB husbands. Is there anyone whose threads you might recommend who can provide some similar perspective for a LB wife? A former WAH/WH, perhaps? I could really use some input. Thanks in advance.

There's one that could be considered quasi-WAH thread. Look up Train's threads which were posted over in the Infidelity forum. Starsky and I helped Train re-attract her H who was deep into OW affair. All of the gems, nuggets and scripts are all in Train's threads.

[Phoebe]

Thank you very much, Wonka. I will definitely go find Train's thread.

[BluWave]

Phoebe, wow, I could have written some of your posts! Our sitchs are different in that I knew OW, H and I have children, and we were in frequent contact. However, when I read your posts about feeling shocked, blind-sighted, and how this happened right after several of your own personal losses, I can relate to ALL of it!

We had a wonderful M, we had fun, we talked about everything and adored our kids together, and we were very much in love. We had the same life plan. I adored him! I never, ever thought he was capable of hurting me, and then BAM--he turned it all upside down! In terms of putting the puzzle pieces back together because he withheld info over time, and if that makes reconciliation less likely, I would be interested to know why. Before I found out about the EA, there were many signs and I even got the neon-sign script "ILYBINILWY" utter BS/justification.

That being said, I knew my H better than anyone. I knew that something was terribly wrong and this was not what he wanted in life! I think that was why I knew he was in a fog--this was the opposite of his nature, being the kind, loving, family man. So while everyone was supporting me and encouraging me to move on without him, in my heart, I just knew he would come back around.

I don't know if that helps or not. Your H is different than mine. I guess what I am saying is to trust your gut, it rarely steers you wrong. I can look back at so many things that happened in our lives and family, and I can say now that my gut and my instincts--void of any analysis--were right on target.

Hope your mind can rest and tonight is a better night.
-Blu