Deciding Whether to Separate

[brutus3]

So a lot has happened in the past 3 months since I last posted. I decided to go through with a last resort. I set up a matchdotcom profile, just to see if she popped up and she did. I told her if she wants to date, that she should really file for divorce. She never did, said she was too busy. I explained to her if she dates and doesn't file for divorce, that I would. It was a big ultimatum, the absolute last resort.

Her 40th birthday happened a few weeks later. It was a big deal on facebook but I was never invited to even the family celebration. I was devastated and pissed. Out of the blue, a woman that lives in town started facebook messaging and we met. We ended up going on a couple of dates and it turned out to be a bad idea. Things happened and I felt guilty. It really confused me emotionally and left me even more depressed. It was a horrible idea and it negated any moral standing I had over the separation. I do not recommend dating during a time like this.

A few more weeks go by and I know my wife is starting to hook up with guys online. Strange guys start liking her posts on facebook. I mentioned something to her and she blocked me. I'm glad she did it because I was getting back into stalking which is a destructive pattern to be in, especially for your self confidence.

Last weekend, I heard she was making out with an out of town guy at a bar. I was so hurt and angry, I started texting her and she denied it of course. She wouldn't answer my phone calls either. The next day she came to pick up my daughter, she brought her sister with her. I told her, in front of her sister, that we didn't even have a separation agreement in place. I said that she was foolish and asked her what she was thinking. Then she admitted to it in her own way. She said, "well now you finally know what I really want." t

She had me watching our daughter for her Friday night, said she was going out with girlfriends. I said ok, I'm not going to turn down time with my daughter. My wife didn't even want to switch nights, she just gave it up. Turns out she was seen again at a bar with a man. I completely lost respect for her at this point.

So I'm carrying out my ultimatum and filing for divorce. Maybe it'll pull her head out of her butt but at this point, I really don't care. I've been getting on with my life. I have a new job, I'm totally immersed in hobbies and taking care of my daughter, who I have with me about 60% of the time. I'm even getting along better with my in-laws than I ever had in the past. I'm actually starting to have a blast with my life again and it feels good. Not everyday is great, I still have some rough days. I'm taking it one week at a time.

I still love her dearly but I cannot keep her from looking for her own happiness. I don't agree with how she's doing it but she's further away from our marriage more than ever. She has no remorse, is dishonest, and doesn't care about anyone but herself. I don't want to be attached to someone like and I have no respect for her. I see her when we meet and I feel hardly anything.

One thing I'd like to point out. I have tried DBing and it's much tougher than it looks. It didn't work well for me. I'd go for weeks keeping it together, not loosing it and then one night...boom! I blew it and had to start over. I felt like I was trying to dam up my feelings and it would get too much. I was suppressing how I felt. I felt like I was faking it and my wife wasn't buying my bull.

It got to the point where I started to have to protect myself and needed to make decisions to create boundaries. That's why I moved out and decided to get on with my life on my own terms. After I moved out, I was able to be free to feel. I could cry alone and not worry about being heard. I could play drums, blast my music, scream at the top of my lungs in the middle of the night. It was all very cathartic.

I know moving out and filing for divorce probably contradicts with the philosophy of this website but each person is different. We all have to do what's best for us.