Not sure where to go from here

[ciluzen]

Thanks so much for this post Ciluzen, I really feel like I need some direction and someone to 'hold my hand' through this!

How to do it in a DBing way?

1) Set boundaries. That IS DBing. That includes setting a schedule, setting personal boundaries, and (since HE left the house)making sure he asks permission to enter the house. He should not come and go as he pleases. That is not healthy for you or your children. If your boundaries cannot be accepted, there needs to be consequences. Change the locks. If support is withheld, pursue a legal agreement. Check into legal means to back up your boundaries.

I do see what you're saying here, and it kind of makes sense, do I just sit him down and say to him that this isn't working for me and I want him to come round less? It seems like it would be pushing him away when he was 'possibly' taking steps towards a reconciliation? (I say possibly because there have been no words of affirmation of this so far). I've looked into changing the locks and that is illegal here while he is still named on the mortgage so cannot do that if it came to it.

Well, bummer on the lock changing. No, don't sit him down. No, don't tell him what you "want". Tell him what you NEED. In front of him. While standing. It is not a discussion, its a statement. You are taking the keys from a drunk driver and you are driving the car now.

2) Focus on you. Also DBing. What are YOU comfortable with? What decreases YOUR stress in this situation? This is not a time to worry about what he thinks or what he will do in response to your actions. This is about you. What do you want?

Right now him not being here decreases my stress. The kids and I are so happy and carefree when he is not around. He only has to be in the door ten minutes and he is onto one of us about something petty and changes the atmosphere. I don't know how he ever got so grouchy! The trouble is, I put my needs below the kids' I suppose. I just don't want to see them hurt any more than they already are and it feels like I would be the bad guy if I tell H he can't come in the house any more. This is my main stumbling block to being more assertive I think.

I just realized how dissatisfied and negative my H is with every aspect of his life right now...this weekend. It isn't even just me he's upset with anymore. Its everything in his life. Trust me. This can get worse...and its not just you. You are not the bad guy...and he, deep down, probably knows it. Or will figure it out. So, be assertive and don't stumble at all. Its a consequence of his actions, not a character flaw in you.

I don't foresee a problem with me remaining cheerful, firm and calm - I have been that for months now (yay me!) but I know H well and can already picture him flying off the handle, I think this puts me off too.

Why wouldn't it put you off, LOL!? What an incredibly NORMAL human response to someone flying off the handle! See, there's nothing wrong with you. Practice no response, or at maximum, validation with no "but" followed by you turning away and disengaging. Validation, such as "I understand this is upsetting to you." Aaaand....scene.

[quote=Ciluzen]4)Don't make speeches, fight about it, or allow his behavior to affect your behavior. Validate and let things flow like water off of a duck's back.

OK, most of these I'm absolutely 100% sure I can and will do, except the 'don't make speeches' bit. How do I change the route we/I am on without making some kind of speech to him about wanting to change the way he sees the kids?

I feel I am doing great at GAL. I am so busy and genuinely happy when H is not around. H was a no show today (again on a weekend day off - hmmm) but we didn't actually miss him and the kids didn't mention him or ask why he hadn't come round! D had a dance class this morning and S and I had a different activity at the same time that we do together. Then we came home for lunch and the kids had some down time on their games while I cut the grass - proud of myself for that, because it is usually H that does it and I managed to refill and start the mower! It is no mean feat cutting the grass - our garden is huge! Whilst cutting the grass and walking backwards and forwards to empty the grass box I noticed all the empty pots and decided we needed to brighten the place up for summer. So the kids and I went to a garden centre and chose plants together. It was quite late when we got back so I only managed to plant the front garden ones but plan on doing the rest tomorrow. Then we've had a lovely cosy evening together before they went to bed. Going to do some crafting now in my craft room before bed. Pretty good day!

Hey, IP! Happy Mother's Day! Is that just a U.S. and Canada thing? It shouldn't be. I think I will take an idea from you and get some flowers for the front walk with my younger D today. I have a few empty pots to fill.

As for not making speeches? Just don't. I'm a speech maker. I'm obviously wordy. But my 180 has been to just make statements to my H when I want him to actually hear me. Otherwise, I find that as has happened over the years, he expects the speech and tunes me out. All of it. So...look him in the eye with a small smile/ pleasant look to your face (practice in the mirror) and then make a brief, to the point statement. Follow that with a big smile and a, "I am very firm on this. I hope you understand I feel its best for our sanity/ health/ scedule/ emotional health/ security (pick one or two to go with the statement)." Nod your head for emphasis if you have to. Then walk away and busy yourself elsewhere. Or go somewhere. Leave him and ignore him (trust me, there will be behavior to ignore after that). Don't engage. No arguing. Not your circus anymore.

I'm proud of your GAL stuff! I knew you could do it! Remember how we were back during Christmas holidays? Change happens right under our noses.