LBS back--piecing--but still regret not DB

[Stormchaser]

1. Yes, I am no longer trying to win him back. When he was back he was BACK and I could feel and see it in every sense. He wanted to work on the M and come back, he took full responsibility, he was remorseful, he was transparent, he cut all ties with OW, and he was focused on being a better person. He has remained that way. He said in his heart he always knew it was wrong and that he owed it to me and himself to work on the M. He was very much in the fog and struggling while he was gone. As time goes by, he can see more clearly what a mess he was a what a terrible mistake it was.

This is EXACTLY what my W did. This is what makes me hopeful the M will work out. Yet - sometimes I still feel like its not enough.

2. Do I still feel strongly about H? Strongly, yes. The same? No, not at all. That has been my struggle. I still miss how close we were, how in love I felt, and how much I respected and trusted this man. He practically destroyed me--meaning, I let him! I was a disaster for almost a year--a shell of a person. So if I felt the same way about him, well there would be something fundementally wrong with me. But I do love him, of course; he is my chosen partner, the father of my children, and we have been through so much of life together.

I am of the belief that love is a choice. All those feelings, romance, attraction, and drama, well that can come and go. But to choose someone and commit to them, I think that is a more valuable love. So, I feel very strongly for H, yes. I am still working on detachment and being stronger and happier independent of him. But in terms of being "in love" with H, well I'm not sure because I don't know what that means anymore. Some days we laugh and we feel close and other days their are triggers, we fight, and I want to scream.

This is me as well. These last few days have been peppered with anxiety, anger and a bevy of other emotions. Yet the last 2 weeks were fine. Being this is Mothers Day, I'm trying very hard to contain myself and lash out.

And I'm only about 3 months into this.

I feel like I'm rambling. We got in a big argument last night and I'm tired.
-Blu

Hopefully you can work this out.

Sometimes I feel like I've come out the other side and we will be one of those successful couples that will prove to be an inspiration to others. We made it.

And there are hazy times such as now, when I start to think, "who am I kidding? There are too many triggers for this go to away any time soon, why am I even wasting my time?"

Hopefully I'll have more positive things to add to this thread when my mood settles down. Its truly a good thread, Blu. Thanks for keeping it going.