Working on detachment, my anxiety, and the joys of limbo

[Phoebe]

Hi Guys! It's true- sleep can do a world of good, so can a few more days away from tangential H contact.

Grl, what you said about your husband sounds so much like mine that, frankly, it's kind of scary. Maybe we found two long lost twins? H always talked about how his mind was going all the time, that he was constantly distracted. He also told me that I made him feel inferior. I also think that H feels empty inside, and he's just trying to fill that hole in any way that he can. I honestly think that everything he's done and continues to do is a form of self-medication.

My grief counselor and I talked about short-term energy releasing behaviors a couple meetings ago. These are the kinds of things that in moderation, and if done for the right reasons, can even be good for us. But if they are done to excess, and specifically as a way to distract ourselves, they can become pathologic. People who are grieving often engage in them as a way of trying to feel better. If done to excess, they are a sign that a griever is struggling to process their grief. As we talked about them, all I could think about was my H.

Here are some common STERBs: sex, alcohol, drugs, exercise, partying, affairs, isolation, fantasy (reading, movies, etc.), internet, exercise. There are lots of others, but you get the idea.

The whole time I kept looking at the list, I was thinking of my H. My counselor stopped, looked at me, and said "I know that you're thinking about your husband, ad that he is exhibiting so many of these behaviors. He's got something that he's grieving, too." Mind reader.

I really do love my farm. I wish I could figure out a way to share it with more people. Part of it is that it is large, and, quite frankly, not all that many people who have visited really like to get out and walk around. I always loved that my H seemed to like walking it as much as I did. When we'd get bogged down in too much work, we used to reward ourselves with a nice walk in the fields or woods. It was a treat. And with that thought, I am reminded once again, that I just don't understand my H. I just sit here and shake my head. It makes no sense.

Anyway, enough of that.

SadHub, and Cherry, and Painter you are all right, of course. I know without question that I need to make more social connections. Obviously I have no objection to driving to necessary appointments. Honestly, I don't object to driving to any group activities. There just aren't all that many of them that I've been able to find. MeetUp is just not a bustling thing around here. I will definitely reframe how I look a social activities, though - they are as important as seeing my therapist or my doctor.

I am a semi-introverted person. I used to be incredibly shy, and quite a loner, but over the years I have found that I do enjoy talking to and being with people. I strongly dislike group situations, though. More than a few people, and my enjoyment goes down a lot. Parties aren't any fun, for instance, so that kind of thing is totally off the table. I feel incredibly awkward in those situations.

You are exactly right, Sadhub, about losing outside social connections and focusing all that energy into our MRs. I know I did. I don't think I qualify as codependent, but I prefer to be very close to a couple people, as opposed to having a group that I hang out with. I was the same way as a kid. I had one or two close friends at any given time, and I never hung out with groups. That pattern has, for good or bad, been consistent for my whole life. So, it always felt kind of normal that I had H and one other close friend. I know and get along with a large number of people, and can talk to almost anyone, but I don't consider them close.

So, two years ago my best female friend died, and then H, my best friend in the world, left. I know it's not a good place to be. I had a few other people I was semi-close to, but one of them also died within a month of the best friend I mentioned. It was a bit of a rough stretch that spring, with four deaths in the first 5 months of that year - an uncle committed suicide, my best friend died of cancer, the other friend died of a heart attack, and then a hiking acquaintance I had kept up with over the years died of the same cancer as my best friend. It was hard.

I've tightened up two more friendships since BD, and that helps. I've always been close to my parents. I have a few others that I've confided in, but I'm not close to them. I did reach out to the woman I met at the BAN meeting, but she has not responded to my message yet, and I also reached out to another woman, a co-coordinator of the BAN group who asked me if I wanted to get together with her individually. I replied that I really would like that very much, but she never responded. Sooooooo... not the best responses, but I will keep on keeping on.

I definitely need to reframe how I look at social stuff. It's therapeutic, and I just need to do it. Period.

SadHub, I accept your challenge. One purely social GAL thing a week.

[Phoebe]

2 am and all's well... Except I'm wide awake. Sigh. Otherwise I'm fine.

So I realized after my last post that I already have a cool GAL activity lined up for this Wednesday- an Audibon Society lecture about bluebirds!!! This was even before the SadHub GAL challenge! The following week there is an even better one about Grassland bird conservation, a subject close to my heart. My fields are host to a species that is becoming less and less common over time. I'd like to know how to help. .

So, back to lying awake. Come on Benadryl!

[Sotto]

Aha - well I have a challenge for you. To linger and have a little chat with someone at the lecture....maybe see if one GAL event might lead to another.

Good for you - and hope you drop off to sleep soon. Have you tried meditations which help you sleep?

Xx

[JksD]

^^ sotto's challenge.

I don't know if I have posted this in your thread but kid and I have a bedtime routine. Warm shower/ bath, read, wind down and then sleep. When she was younger, I would play lullabies. For myself, I have a perfume that I use just for bedtime.

Do you have a similar routine? I find it hepful. Especially the scent and lullabies. You can of course choose other more adult music.

As for supplements, gaba plus melatonin plus 5htp knock me out.

[Painter]

Phoebe, I hope you got some sleep. I just stayed up too late because I'm a night owl by nature. The problem is that as I get older, I can't sleep in anymore...

Do you think your H may have ADD/ADHD? I know my H has and it has contributed to the demise of the M. There is an good book and website out there about it, if you google I'm sure you'll find it (I can't post the link here).

The lecture sounds like fun, as long as you get invovled. Why not invite the group to your property to see the bird you mentioned?

[Painter]

I also wanted to say how sorry I am about all your recent losses. That is an awful lot in a short time. Maybe some of what you're feeling now is related to that, as well. A grief counselor was probably a very good choice in your situation.

[Phoebe]

Painter, I'm a night owl, too, but I have been fighting it tooth and nail for the last few months, and for the same reason you mentioned - I can't sleep in these days. Once I wake up, I'm done.

For my whole life, I would go to sleep and wake up 8 hours later. Like clockwork. Lately, though, I've been waking at first light, and been unable to get back to sleep. The only thing that has helped is to try to get to bed earlier. I've got the dark curtain thing going now, and it buys me more sleep in the morning, but I'm more in the 6 hour a night camp now, and if I can't get to sleep in the first place, then it's going to be a lot less. Last night I lay there until at least 3:30 am. I tried reading before bed, as that's kind of my bedtime ritual. I'm avoiding caffeine, taking benadryl.

I do have melatonin, so I'll try adding that tonight. Thank you for that reminder, Grl.

Thanks for the kind words about my losses, Painter. I had this baseline grief from those deaths, and the loss of those two friends left me even more invested in H, so that when he took off I was just bereft.

My H has always wondered if he has ADD/ADHD. His father certainly exhibited plenty of symptoms that would fit that diagnosis. H took a trial prescription of Ritalin once, but he didn't think it helped him. He also tried SSRIs another time, and didn't think they helped, either. Of course, now I know that he didn't take them long enough to even make that kind of decision, and the dose may not have been appropriate. I wish he'd found something that had helped him, but he just sort of gave up on that line of thinking at that point.

I'm looking forward to the Audubon meeting. Maybe I can get into some birding stuff in a more serious way. I'm just a novice, but a very interested one. I actually considered taking a 6 weeks birding class in March, but it was kind of expensive, and at that time I wanted to stay available to potentially travel to the other state at any time to work on my M. That was back when I thought we were piecing. So much for that, huh?

Today I'm heading out to a local greenhouse (an amazing place, by the way) to buy my Mom some hanging baskets for Mother's Day.

Happy Mother's Day to all of you beautiful mothers here! You are incredible, and I admire you all so much.

[Phoebe]

So I got myself all excited about going to a last-minute nature walk Meetup today!! The timing was tight, but I had exactly enough time to get those flowers and arrive in time.

I did my lightning fast flower purchase, but then, as so often happens to me when I go out, I ran into someone that knows me, and she started talking to me about having to put her pet to sleep. You know how this goes, right? I couldn't tell her I didn't have time talk when that was the subject. So I listened and offered my sympathy. She's a very nice person. Talkative. I know her, I know her sister, I know her BIL, I know the pets they used to own.

Then she asked me if my H was still out of town, and I fessed up about him leaving. I am pretty much unable to lie, even if it's in my best interest. Ugh. My big mouth. I regretted it instantly.

I know too many people in this area. I grew up here and I worked locally for a few years professionally. I even worked for the greenhouse owners in high school. I actually saw another person I know there, but she was talking, so I was able to dodge her. I like knowing so many people, but it makes it almost impossible for me to even go to the local gas station without having to stop to talk. Getting milk can take half an hour. Normally I kind of like it, but these days.... Well, you know the whole shame, embarrassment thing, and the local gossip mill thing. I'd rather avoid it.

So, great, I missed my nature walk AND I shared my heartbreak all in one fell swoop. It made me feel bad and it'll probably go out on the news wire this very afternoon. Awesome.

I guess I'll go deliver my flowers.

[SH_]

Hello Phoebe,

Don't sweat missing the meetup or sharing the sitch with someone. No point in adding that to the worry bucket. There will be another meetup and folks are gonna talk about what folks are gonna talk about.

The positive side of this for you is that you are being creative in finding potential social interactions, so that is a win. The other positive, is as you share your switch with others and do so as you see fit, it won't matter if they talk about it, because you did so first.

I have actually found many folks supportive of me, as they found out from someone else, but when I brought it up, they were anxious to share support with me. Even some that I would not have thought cared much about me. It is actually a little liberating.

But I do understand the desire to share it on our own terms, but I would say, you did that today.

Don't feel bad, you are making progress and that is something to be proud of.

And thanks for this tip on mixing cold meds. Funny thing before all of this, I was the one that would always check that stuff out as WAW was on so many different meds for things and then would take over the counter as well. Now look at me not even thinking about it. Well, I did it for 3 days and no noticeable side effects, so hopefully I am good. I will be more cautious moving forward. Fortunately I am feeling a bit better today. Just tired and a little weak, but all in all I hope to be back up and at 'em tomorrow.

I will check in with you this evening Phoebe.

[BluWave]

Oh Phoebe, the amount of loss you have dealt with is just heartbreaking! It feels like the double betrayal when H pulls the rug out from under you when you are still grieving/healing. My H did the exact same thing! I had suffered several losses and hardships and so when this happened within the following year, it just put me over the edge.

I am so, so terribly sorry. I don't know if everything happens for a reason, but I do believe that over time we can find reason for why things happen, and then slowly allow ourselves to enjoy the silver linings after recovery.

I hope you can have a more peaceful and restful night, you certainly deserve it.

-Blu