I have to add one more thing before judgements fly... A relative lately said again I could do so much better than her. It made me feel bad. It brought back my feelings of having always felt bad for her. I NEVER felt like I was better than her.
And I think now it makes me not fully process the hate emotions properly. Every time I think of something I didn't like. I feel bad for her instead. And then bottle it up? I talked to my IC about this some, apparently not enough. I need to find a way to process through those emotions so I can finally be free of them! Both the hate and the sympathy. If anyone has suggestions, I am all ears. I don't think stuffing them down is the answer though.
I wonder if this is fear? Fear of finding out I did judge her. I don't want to be a judgmental person. Fear of having actually loved her and having to let go of a real emotion? Fear of finding out I never did love her would make me a bad person too?
