I actually thought about this very shortly after she left, and didn't think about it again until today.... I don't remember her! I don't remember hardly anything about her. I barely remember her voice, though I can pick it out when I hear it. I heard it at mediation and could tell right away it was her. She caught a typo in the D paperwork, happened to be the exact same line I was reading at exact same time... Felt like such a weird coincidence.
I barely remember what she looks like, even shortly after when I look at pics of her. Once in a while I look at a pic and barely recognize her.
I spent some time thinking about it when I noticed this right after BD. And couldn't figure out why. Even now I don't know why. I wondered if something inside me is blocking her out to block out the pain? I have a memory problem? That maybe we were just never that close, never connected? I remember lots and lots of stuff we did together, we did everything together. But I don't remember her being there. I remember spending 3 days together for our 20 year anniversary trip, I don't remember her being there. I don't remember her ever being there, even though she always was.
Newest guess... What I saw and what I thought of her didn't match? I didn't look at her with love and admiration? According to "codependent no more", a codependent person imagines the relationship as something different than it really is. I always romanticized the relationship? If I had looked at her for who she really was, I wouldnt have liked what I saw?
Now here's a part where I am going to sound really shallow.... she was NOT attractive, and got worse over the years. I won't give examples, but seeing her naked was a turn-off. Her face was a turn off. Her expressions looked stupid. Oh wow, I have been holding that in way too long!!! My brother the first time he met her explained her as "icky". Many of my relatives said I could do better. Some of my relatives heard about her through the grapevine and said "I can't believe he is with her" or "that he is with that slut." Luckily everyone in my family took her in anyway, and loved her as part of the family.
Add on top of that, she tried to become the role, at least sometimes. My IC suggested she did EVERYTHING to try to play the role. And then resented me because she felt like a servant, a role she actually chose.
I'd like to say I loved her for who she was. I'm not sure I knew who she was! Apparently SHE didn't know who she was. I was in love with someone who didn't exist!
What is odd... It doesn't make me feel any better. In a way I wish I did get to know the real her. Although I am guessing I wouldn't have liked her if I did.
