Working on detachment, my anxiety, and the joys of limbo

[Phoebe]

Hi Guys! It's true- sleep can do a world of good, so can a few more days away from tangential H contact.

Grl, what you said about your husband sounds so much like mine that, frankly, it's kind of scary. Maybe we found two long lost twins? H always talked about how his mind was going all the time, that he was constantly distracted. He also told me that I made him feel inferior. I also think that H feels empty inside, and he's just trying to fill that hole in any way that he can. I honestly think that everything he's done and continues to do is a form of self-medication.

My grief counselor and I talked about short-term energy releasing behaviors a couple meetings ago. These are the kinds of things that in moderation, and if done for the right reasons, can even be good for us. But if they are done to excess, and specifically as a way to distract ourselves, they can become pathologic. People who are grieving often engage in them as a way of trying to feel better. If done to excess, they are a sign that a griever is struggling to process their grief. As we talked about them, all I could think about was my H.

Here are some common STERBs: sex, alcohol, drugs, exercise, partying, affairs, isolation, fantasy (reading, movies, etc.), internet, exercise. There are lots of others, but you get the idea.

The whole time I kept looking at the list, I was thinking of my H. My counselor stopped, looked at me, and said "I know that you're thinking about your husband, ad that he is exhibiting so many of these behaviors. He's got something that he's grieving, too." Mind reader.

I really do love my farm. I wish I could figure out a way to share it with more people. Part of it is that it is large, and, quite frankly, not all that many people who have visited really like to get out and walk around. I always loved that my H seemed to like walking it as much as I did. When we'd get bogged down in too much work, we used to reward ourselves with a nice walk in the fields or woods. It was a treat. And with that thought, I am reminded once again, that I just don't understand my H. I just sit here and shake my head. It makes no sense.

Anyway, enough of that.

SadHub, and Cherry, and Painter you are all right, of course. I know without question that I need to make more social connections. Obviously I have no objection to driving to necessary appointments. Honestly, I don't object to driving to any group activities. There just aren't all that many of them that I've been able to find. MeetUp is just not a bustling thing around here. I will definitely reframe how I look a social activities, though - they are as important as seeing my therapist or my doctor.

I am a semi-introverted person. I used to be incredibly shy, and quite a loner, but over the years I have found that I do enjoy talking to and being with people. I strongly dislike group situations, though. More than a few people, and my enjoyment goes down a lot. Parties aren't any fun, for instance, so that kind of thing is totally off the table. I feel incredibly awkward in those situations.

You are exactly right, Sadhub, about losing outside social connections and focusing all that energy into our MRs. I know I did. I don't think I qualify as codependent, but I prefer to be very close to a couple people, as opposed to having a group that I hang out with. I was the same way as a kid. I had one or two close friends at any given time, and I never hung out with groups. That pattern has, for good or bad, been consistent for my whole life. So, it always felt kind of normal that I had H and one other close friend. I know and get along with a large number of people, and can talk to almost anyone, but I don't consider them close.

So, two years ago my best female friend died, and then H, my best friend in the world, left. I know it's not a good place to be. I had a few other people I was semi-close to, but one of them also died within a month of the best friend I mentioned. It was a bit of a rough stretch that spring, with four deaths in the first 5 months of that year - an uncle committed suicide, my best friend died of cancer, the other friend died of a heart attack, and then a hiking acquaintance I had kept up with over the years died of the same cancer as my best friend. It was hard.

I've tightened up two more friendships since BD, and that helps. I've always been close to my parents. I have a few others that I've confided in, but I'm not close to them. I did reach out to the woman I met at the BAN meeting, but she has not responded to my message yet, and I also reached out to another woman, a co-coordinator of the BAN group who asked me if I wanted to get together with her individually. I replied that I really would like that very much, but she never responded. Sooooooo... not the best responses, but I will keep on keeping on.

I definitely need to reframe how I look at social stuff. It's therapeutic, and I just need to do it. Period.

SadHub, I accept your challenge. One purely social GAL thing a week.