Today I can say I'm happy, maybe the weather has helped. Sunny and hot all day. I can feel the rope slipping of my hands. I had set myself some goals and I have a couple left to do, so on and all I feel I have a great feel of achievement.
As for H, I'm starting to realise that he is the one who has a lot of issues to deal with. At the moment he is reliving his youth with OW, he became a father aged 21, so he never had the chance to enjoy his life before kids! He is the one who has to wake up next to OW ( knowing that it's wrong and she is a woman of low morals to get involved with a married man) to look at himself in the mirror everyday and realise that he has walkaway twice from a relationship with kids involved. I remember his sister telling me ( way before I found out about his A) that he'll never be happy, and slowly I believe that she is right. H is chasing happiness from someone else not from within. It took the break up of my M to realise that happiness is from within.
I didn't have the greatest childhood and felt unloved by my family but at least I can look at myself everyday and say I didn't cheat in the pursuit of happiness. I was ok to put up with H's distance and coldness towards me because I knew our house was putting a strain on our finances and that the end of the tunnel was soon insight. All this shows that I have values, that I'm loyal (was sticking to my vows for better or worse) and that I truly deserve better.
I have also started to clear house for the move. There are still loads of H's stuff and i put them in the garage. H told me that he would use his work van to move his stuff, this also tells me that he is in a fog as he has no idea how much stuff he is gonna have to put in his small van!
I no longer dread D and I'm looking forward my new house, my new life. For the last 14 months, I have been out more than I have ever been while with H (ok the kids were very young), I have been able to treat myself without feeling guilty that it was money I was taking from my kids or my family, I have gone back to watch movies. I can honestly say that I'm ME, that I'm getting on with my life, that I can feel I'm coming out of the tunnel ( M and depression), and that great things will come my way. I just have to sit back and let the high spirit take me where I'm supposed to go. I have also read Bluwater thread in Newcomers and it was a real eye opener.
