Quote:
Hi sandi2 - how do you get WAW to stop resenting and respecting H again? Its so strange how you can be together for 12+ years and then it's like living with a stranger. I am starting to think it will be better for me (less anxiety etc) if she gets her own place. No D papers filed yet that I know of.


I would dare say that her resentment has slowly been building over the years. IMHO, women will try to inwardly press down certain disappointments or unfulfilled expectations in the MR. She may have tried, in her own way, to talk about it, but her H tunes her out, for one reason or another. Over the years of M, things mount inwardly, which means her resentments continues to grow. Perhaps her H has not been the man she thought he was, or did not stick to his word, or failed at a number of jobs, or he doesn't spend time with his kids, or sides with his family over her, or won't do the man's work around the home, or he does things to make her jealous, compares her to other women,.............the list could be endless. She not only has resentment but now she begins to feel disrespect for him as man, and most of all.....her H.

In the beginning, her resentment may surface through means of whining, nagging, complaining, etc. She may appear depressed or in a bad mood. Men tend to overlook this and think it's related to hormones, or whatever. As the resentment turns to disrespect, it shows in her attitude, her tone of voice, her sharp-edged words, b'tchiness, bossiness, put-downs, and most of all.........the sex life usually declines.

So how does a man turn around these negative feelings of his W? Well, I think he first needs to become the man he was when she fell in love with him.......or become better. So many people lose sight of who they were that caused their spouse to be attracted to them. They start taking each other for granted. Let their appearance go, or the romantic fun end, or the attentiveness, etc. They stop being that inner person who made them special in the first place. They get so wrapped up with the wear & tear of family life they forget they have to intentionally keep their love alive or it starves from malnutrition.

I suggest you examine your marital history and see if any of those things fit. You said you were not bad looking, but what about how you interacted with her, and the kids? Was there something specifically happened that could have started the deterioration of her desire for you as her H? Did you stop wearing the pants? Did you leave everything for her to do...or did you let her be a princess while you did everything? We're there things that happened that she saw you being weak, and not standing up the way you should? Did you avoid conflict with your family members or her? I could go forever, but do you get the idea?

I think I've previously talked about how some guys acted more like a hired hand instead of the man in the house, catering to the W's every whim. Cleaning everything, doing all the cooking, the laundry, on & on. That is not what wins the heart of a woman. She isn't attracted to a housekeeper and cook! She wants a man. If he has helped in creating a spoiled brat, then he has a very bad situation on his hands. And if he has always done everything b/c she refused to do.............same thing, a spoiled brat. Know what to do? You unspoil her! and you don't tolerate her brattiness. Boundaries are useful here, too.

When a H is totally blindsided by his W announcing she wants a D, and he is completely lost as to why........I think there is a hidden factor somewhere.

I am getting hand cramps from typing most all day (lost a ton of stuff I had typed tired) so I need to take a break. If you have not read my threads on wayward W's, it covers much of the information you are seeking.

It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!