Thanks so much for this post Ciluzen, I really feel like I need some direction and someone to 'hold my hand' through this!
Originally Posted By: ciluzen
How to do it in a DBing way?
1) Set boundaries. That IS DBing. That includes setting a schedule, setting personal boundaries, and (since HE left the house)making sure he asks permission to enter the house. He should not come and go as he pleases. That is not healthy for you or your children. If your boundaries cannot be accepted, there needs to be consequences. Change the locks. If support is withheld, pursue a legal agreement. Check into legal means to back up your boundaries.
I do see what you're saying here, and it kind of makes sense, do I just sit him down and say to him that this isn't working for me and I want him to come round less? It seems like it would be pushing him away when he was 'possibly' taking steps towards a reconciliation? (I say possibly because there have been no words of affirmation of this so far). I've looked into changing the locks and that is illegal here while he is still named on the mortgage so cannot do that if it came to it.
Originally Posted By: Ciluzen
2) Focus on you. Also DBing. What are YOU comfortable with? What decreases YOUR stress in this situation? This is not a time to worry about what he thinks or what he will do in response to your actions. This is about you. What do you want?
Right now him not being here decreases my stress. The kids and I are so happy and carefree when he is not around. He only has to be in the door ten minutes and he is onto one of us about something petty and changes the atmosphere. I don't know how he ever got so grouchy! The trouble is, I put my needs below the kids' I suppose. I just don't want to see them hurt any more than they already are and it feels like I would be the bad guy if I tell H he can't come in the house any more. This is my main stumbling block to being more assertive I think.
Originally Posted By: Ciluzen3) You can do these things cheerfully, firmly, and calmly. Show your strength through your quiet resolve. If he defends his actions or protests yours, validate his feelings; but tell him, "this is what I need to feel secure about this situation". Don't worry about him. This is for you. [/quote
I don't foresee a problem with me remaining cheerful, firm and calm - I have been that for months now (yay me!) but I know H well and can already picture him flying off the handle, I think this puts me off too.
[quote=Ciluzen]4)Don't make speeches, fight about it, or allow his behavior to affect your behavior. Validate and let things flow like water off of a duck's back.
OK, most of these I'm absolutely 100% sure I can and will do, except the 'don't make speeches' bit. How do I change the route we/I am on without making some kind of speech to him about wanting to change the way he sees the kids?
I feel I am doing great at GAL. I am so busy and genuinely happy when H is not around. H was a no show today (again on a weekend day off - hmmm) but we didn't actually miss him and the kids didn't mention him or ask why he hadn't come round! D had a dance class this morning and S and I had a different activity at the same time that we do together. Then we came home for lunch and the kids had some down time on their games while I cut the grass - proud of myself for that, because it is usually H that does it and I managed to refill and start the mower! It is no mean feat cutting the grass - our garden is huge! Whilst cutting the grass and walking backwards and forwards to empty the grass box I noticed all the empty pots and decided we needed to brighten the place up for summer. So the kids and I went to a garden centre and chose plants together. It was quite late when we got back so I only managed to plant the front garden ones but plan on doing the rest tomorrow. Then we've had a lovely cosy evening together before they went to bed. Going to do some crafting now in my craft room before bed. Pretty good day!
