OFP, She's having some type of identity crisis and yes, she's a very confused puppy if she can't decide what kind of music, etc., she likes. Also, the statements of needing time and space and needing to find herself could be good indicators that she's met someone or has someone waiting in the wings for her. I'm not trying to be a Debbie Downer here, but we hear this quite often and my xh stated the same things.
I was reading through my thread again... I agreed with most of your post, but not this part. One of the FF's I know has been trying to break off a relationship with a manipulator for 2 years now (has only been dating him for about 4). No other guy in waiting for her. She is an incredibly smart and kind person. She said she told him she wanted time and space. I told her that as a man, what I hear from that is "there is a chance we'll work it out." But I know that was not her intent, she wants to be done, completely.
This adds to my questions of all the theories about MLC. How do these actions vary from someone who just wants out? I can confirm LBS's sure have fog, confusion, etc. I have memories that are disappearing. I am rewriting a biased history to "get over" the heartache some days, and rewriting history other days "romanticizing" it when I am missing her. The person leaving rewrites history to justify to themselves or others why they left. Or to justify an A that they know is morally wrong. These are all intentions, or a side effect of intentions, not a side effect of a trauma from their past. So, I don't buy it... I don't buy the excuses. I don't buy standing.
My perspective... People cheat every day. For selfish reasons. They hope to keep it a secret so they can live a double life until they decide for sure what to do. They lack morals. They lack the ability for independence. They stay in a relationship they aren't happy in for 20 years because they don't have the strength to be alone. Until something comes along that seems better. And when they find out it's not better, when the honeymoon period is over, they want the fall back plan. It's cruel.
The part I do wonder is possibly reality... Did childhood trauma cause a skewed view of the last 20 years? That seemingly innocent things triggered feelings of prior trauma because they felt similar to that prior trauma, with no intent from H or W? That conversations every day were twisted? That things were projected from their past onto the H or W? That resentment built up because they didn't know how to deal with it or let things go? That there is an internal struggle going on? I believe all those things. But even for this person, they have a choice. 1) They can stay and work it out. 2) They can leave with the intent to work it out on their own and see what happens. 3) They can leave for an A.
But at the end of the day, 1) is the answer for someone with true morals, 2) is for people who are truly confused but still have morals, 3) this should be a capital crime
Did temptation overcome their morals? Did they show respect for the LBS? The answer is black and white.
Both of the women I mentioned above that were temptations in my life may have been a better choice for me than my W. I made a choice to not pursue it. My morals are in tact. I considered leaving in July with NO backup plan. I can look in the mirror and be proud of who I am. If I find out W is having an A, I will be embarrassed for choosing someone with her morals.
