Working on detachment, my anxiety, and the joys of limbo

[Phoebe]

I did sleep really well, even if I only managed to get to bed bed at 2:30 am. I got to reading a long thread here, and time kind of slipped away. With a little Benadryl assistance I got a full night's rest, meaning I slept pretty darn late. Oh well.

So, SadHub. We need to get ourselves back on the meditation train. I challenge you to do it today!! At least twice. I'll do the same.

It's funny to hear you and others say that you want to move out of the city, whereas my H couldn't wait to go there. He rejected life in a place that I find so beautiful and that he claimed to care for, too. Now he tells me that he only did it for me, that he was never happy here, etc.. Deflecting blame and doing the old revisionist history thing again.

My Mom asked me today if I had heard from him. Really nothing in weeks now. I don't even know how long ago I met him in the half-way city. I'm probably trying to block the memory. It feels like forever. Or just yesterday.

I really know I need to build social connections. There are no truly local MeetUps, as my area is not exactly a bustling metropolis. Put it this way: The next village has a population of a few hundred, and I live outside of that. I drive 40 minutes to see my therapist, 25 minutes to get to a Wal-Mart, 45 minutes to my dentist or my doctor, 35 minutes to my Weight Watchers meetings, 35 minutes to my BAN meeting, 2 hours to my grief counselor, etc... Most of the hiking Meetups require me to drive about 3 hours each way, because we're kind of in a flat land sort of area. The nature walking Meetups are more like 40-60 minutes away, whereas I can walk and enjoy nature right outside my door.

Yes, my H has it right that there are certain advantages to city life. He was able to immediately fill his life with lots of other people once he decided he wanted to do so. Add in the social lubricant of lots of alcohol and club drugs and he got himself a whole new circle of people. For myself... well, it takes more deliberate effort.

Despite the distances, I still like where I am. It's home. It just makes expanding my social circle kind of challenging.