Hi all. Bit of a low ebb of late and while not too upset I have been thinking about my future In that I have thought about sending WW a letter As I advise others I'm going to post it here first.
Hi WW. I wanted to let you know that the kids do miss you however it may appear sometimes Things seem to be getting worse and it's all very sad. There is nothing I can say or do as I fully respect that you are doing what you need to do for you and you do not do it to upset your children.
We were best friends for a long time and went through so much that it's very tough when that's now gone .
Your happiness is important and at the moment it appears your unhappy Please know that this won't be forever
You are a good person and cared for me through very hard times and I'm very grateful
This is written so there is no misunderstanding in tone or anything like that Please take it as a goodbye and and thank you for the good times.
Because of what's now happening in your life , we can't be friends and I don't think having contact is a good idea. If you feel you need to contact me about the kids please email me
I didn't want this situation to happen. I respect that this is your choice and wish it was otherwise but life will be good for us all again
Harsh. Don't send it. Do you really want no contact? Understand your feelings, but don't give up. You've come so far and if your W really is depressed etc., I think there will be a turning point.
As usual with letter, let it lie here and that would be it.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
1 - What are you attempting to achieve with this letter? 2 - Do you come across as a strong confident Batman like hero?
Woman love confident men; the world loves confident men - George Clooney. Can you be George Clooney? Would your WW notice if you had the same confidence and suave?
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Hi Lovely, I'm sorry you're feeling a little low - though it's understandable of course given recent events and this too shall pass. My first comment is - is it the right time to be sending a letter when you are feeling low. I always think that waiting is no bad thing - until you feel steady and even - then you are acting from a better place. Your call of course though.
Hi WW. I wanted to let you know that the kids do miss you however it may appear sometimes Things (what things? This sounds very general - her? Your r?) seem to be getting worse and it's all very sad. There is nothing I can say or do (I think there are always things you can say or do) as I fully respect that you are doing what you need to do for you and you do not do it to upset your children. (Does this sound a little accusatory - as the implication is - you are upsetting the kids)
We were best friends for a long time and went through so much that it's very tough when that's now gone .
Your happiness is important and at the moment it appears your unhappy Please know that this won't be forever
You are a good person and cared for me through very hard times and I'm very grateful
This is written so there is no misunderstanding in tone or anything like that Please take it as a goodbye and and thank you for the good times.
Because of what's now happening in your life , we can't be friends and I don't think having contact is a good idea. If you feel you need to contact me about the kids please email me (so what does this mean in practice? Does this mean she can't ring you? Can't come to the house any longer? Can't stay over etc - and can I ask to dig deep here and ask yourself am I drawing a needed boundary or punishing here? (Not suggesting you are punishing but it's worth examining I think)
I didn't want this situation to happen. I respect that this is your choice and wish it was otherwise but life will be good for us all again
(Do you want to specify what if anything else you are going to do - do you plan to formalise the S and do you want to let her know what your next step will be?)
I truly wish you the very best in your future
Take care. Rd
A further thing that has been suggested in my divorce group is to say - I'm sorry for any part that I have played in the demise of our M. Some have done it and found it freeing, whatever the circumstances (ie: partners infidelity etc.)
I would certainly apply a 48 hour rule here RD. Really think about what you want to do, what your next steps will be, what are your motives and what you truly want.
I shall be Mum-sitting this weekend and Dad is going away for an overnight break, so I will be about and will keep an eye on the forum.
I hope this helps anyway and as always, I only wish the very best for you my online friend.
xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks Huddy. I do believe she is very depressed but it's over two years sine BD and 17 months since she left. She has a new life be it good or bad and I'm not part of it. I am detached to the point of her actions don't hurt me for more than a few hours and realistically do we ever get 100 % over WAS after a lift time with them.
In my life I have 1 professional and 3 very close people advising me All want me to wait because they feel WW is depressed and will want to return to her family I have a very good friend in the UK who I speak to every few months. He thinks it's time to move on as while WW appears to be very depressed , I have to draw theirs somewhere and OM now living with WW is that line As I posted I tend to believe WW story of no PA but does that really matter. She is lost but she is doing nothing to help herself and will she ever ?
Huddy , I don't know what I want to do as my ego and pride and telling me to let her go and my heart is telling me WW is lost and doesn't know what she doing. I read stories on here of incredible forgiveness and strength and patience
From chats with WW I don't appear to be plan B and OM certainly isn't plan A but who knows I do realise I can't accept what she says as the truth but I do wonder at some of the things she admits to while denying others
Hi Sotto. The part about things getting worse is specific to recent events as WW now having OM in hers is that D11 now can't go down ( the other 3 wouldn't go down anyway as they knew OM was staying there ) WW stays every Friday and last Friday she didn't because she was going out. She told D11 a few days before but didn't tell D15 until a few hours before. D15 had planned a big night with her mum and reacted very badly. D15 told WW she has to choose between her friends and her and if she chose her friends D15 did not want her to stay anymore
WW obviously went and this week D15 has been fine with her until Thursday night and she told WW that she did not want her to stay. D15 was very polite but put a sting in the tail by adding she wanted to give WW some notice !!!!
WW texted me about 5'times saying this was unfair especially on D11 ( D11 who now can't stay with her !!!! ). I validated but somehow ended up getting the blame
So that's why the comment of not meaning to upset the kids
I posted on here for my friends comments and thank you for them As I posted to Huddy , I do realise I'm not in a place to decide what to do and I actually wrote the first draft a year ago and it's surprisingly similar that nothing's really changed
My IC told me that OM moving in is a good thing as it will bring their R to a head. IC is of the belief that their R is a codependent one and not an EA or PA When with IC she makes a very compelling argument but my thoughts take over once I'm alone
So, your W's recent decision (to allow OM to stay) has immediate consequences. She can't have her D to stay. Also, she has hurt your older D by letting her down at the last minute.
For me, I think if she wants to end the M, she needs to have some sustainable arrangements in place herself for spending time with the kids. From a boundary POV, I think it's fine to draw a line on her staying at the house and it sounds as though your kids would all support that decision. It seems fair to me that she doesn't get to move OM in - AND - continue to rely on you to host her spending time with the kids in your home.
I don't think that would be a spiteful response and it would be a reasonable boundary to draw from your POV. From the kids POV how then would they get to spend time with her? Legally does she half own the house anyway and has rights of access if push comes to shove?
I don't think you need to close the door on a possible R - though I think it is a good time to think about how you want things to look going forwards given these changed circumstances.
I feel the same way about you RD - you have been a friend indeed to me at times when I needed it. I hope I can be there for you in the same way.
Ps: what's PINK up up?? I sent her a message IRL and still not heard back!
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Your right re kids spending time with her , she sees D11from 2.40 pm until 6pm three days week and D15 + S17 from 4 until 6 the same days. She then saw them all Friday 8 pm until 4 pm sat. She calls in Sunday after work for 10 mins
Sotto. The kids will support me 100 % but is it the right decision ? Should I go out on the Friday night ? I do know how important it is for the kids to have their mother in their lives and if that effects me then should I not act in third best interests ? I know there is no hard and fast answer
Re Pink , I have tried to contact her but to no avail. I have been tempted to call her but not sure
xx