I have so much time on my hands today, I don't quite know what to do with myself. I have got most of the chores I wanted done done.
Was surfing (is that the right word?) Pininterest when this article caught my eye. 'He never hit me'
When it was over, I wasn’t permitted to mourn him. No one could understand how love, hate, fear and comfort could coexist simultaneously. They could not understand that in addition to my abuser, I also lost my confidant, the person to make dinner with, the person to watch movies with on a rainy Sunday, the person to laugh with, the person who knew me. I lost my companion. How can you explain to someone that the abuse was only a part of who he was? How do you explain that to yourself?
There are still days when I remember tender moments and wonder if it really was that bad. I still struggle with reconciling how he could love me to the point of tears and yet hurt me as if I was an enemy. Like a child, I’m learning to redefine the borders of normal behavior and to realign my expectations. I remind myself that acts of violence can never be acts of love.
I do still struggle with this. I still don't know if he was jekyll or hyde. I guess he was both?
But TP said that he was a gentle person. How do I reconcile that with the man who was so angry with me because my class ended 30 minutes late that he left a heavily- pregnant me stranded in a remote area with no means of transport? Thank goodness I had managed to hitch a ride from a classmate.
And he had pretty much stopped and got out of the car many times during my pregnancy. Once I had to get out of the passenger side on a busy road to get to the driver side. Too pregnant to do it any other way. And I had to drive around aimlessly before I managed to find my way back.
How do I reconcile that with the man who got so angry over disagreements that kid and I would hide in our room whenever we heard heavy metal music blasting?
He talks to and smiles at the TP. Where is that side of him when he brooded and stayed in his own world while he was put with kid and me? I have caught sight of him and kid when he has kid. They both look bored to tears and kid will always be fiddling with his phone. Why aren't kid and me enough for him? We pretty much entertain everyone else we meet.
Are TP and her kids really so special? Kid and I must be too mortal.
Sigh. Maybe it's the poodle of my perm that is the cause of this funk. I should get out of the house but I am nursing such a horrible ear infection.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
