My Story - the circular nature of causality

[Phoebe]

Hi 1gr8dad. I just read your thread, and my heart breaks for you and your D3. There was so much love thrown by the wayside.

You are doing an incredible job on the GAL front, and I now have serious GAL envy.

The roller coaster ride is utterly exhausting and disempowering. There are days that we can almost (well at least for a few minutes to hours, in my case) forget what's happening, and then other days it all sneaks up on us and knocks us flat on our backs. I've learned that hope can be a cruel thing, and that no hope can be worse. I've learned more than I ever wanted to about what it means to be anxious and depressed, but I have also learned how to reach out for help, and that is a sign of growth. Every once in a while I glimpse a brighter future, but it is always around a corner I can never quite seem to reach.

When that roller coaster ride gives me a good day, I just roll with it and make the most of the moments. When it goes downhill, well... I try to keep in mind that things will turn the other way again. I crash, I share, I reach out, I do whatever I can to claw myself back up to the surface. I focus on getting through to the next day, hour, minute...

I don't know what the future will bring, but I try to keep myself open to any possibility, even as the possibility of R becomes more and more distant. Every day I struggle with whether or not I should initiate divorce proceedings in order to protect myself financially, and yet I haven't been able to bring myself to do so. I continue to stand for my M, though I am no longer sure why. I continue to try to be the lighthouse, even though he is so far away that he will never be able to see my light. I so loved the man he was, and yet I don't know this new man and his new values are so counter to my own.

Detachment is such a deceptively simple idea, and so very easy to talk about. For me it remains a goal, but one I not been able to obtain for more than moments at a time. So, really, I'm barely detached at all. Maybe more resigned. I still strive for detachment. Distance is the only thing that I have found has helped me since I found out about the PA, heard the "it's over" thing for the first time, and my hopes for R were dashed. Distance gives me the ability to fake detachment until I can make it.

Sorry to clutter your thread, but I'm glad you're here and thank you for popping over to my thread with your kind words. I hope that you get some rest.

My only advice for you is to make room for your emotions and recognize that, no matter what they are, they are completely normal. If you feel sad, or angry, or frustrated, etc., acknowledge it, let yourself feel it, know it is normal, and then let it pass through you in its own time. It is the only thing that I have found that truly helps me. Stuffing it down, denying it, telling myself I have to be strong for myself or others almost destroyed me. I had to do something differently, and I decided to just allow myself to feel whatever I was feeling. Surprisingly, it helped.