A New Chapter

[Phoebe]

What an terrible nightmare, Painter. It's awful when even the refuge of sleep is invaded by thoughts of H and his misdeeds. I'm sorry about the house documents. That must have been hard, even if you did have time to process it for a while. It was still your home.

I love that you found a book sale. I love reading, and often pick up books at local thrift shops. The best part is resonating them when I'm done. I don't have to feel guilty that I paid much for them. I should get myself back to my local library. It's beautiful and I don't avail myself of it often enough. They have an entire room of books that are for sale! Not for 25 cents, but maybe a buck each? That's pretty decent.

I love reading about your progress and all the things you are doing. You inspire me to get out and do more. You truly are someone only a fool would leave.

I've been enjoying your daily thoughts. Keep 'em coming, Miss Painter!

[Painter]

Today's thought (for Phoebe and all of us):

We are designed to survive. Humans have an amazing ability to recover to complete health again from the most horrible of illnesses and traumatic circumstances, and an innate drive to better our lives. Our life force is our own.
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I saw the counselor this afternoon. I forgot to tell her about the dream, but in retrospect, it's almost entertaining, probably because I got to tell him off. I have had many vivid dreams about H through the last two years, and I think the only one that still makes me cringe, is very brief: H sits on his side of the bed, with his back towards me, then he turns around, looks at me and says: 'I don't love you, don't you GET IT?'

Next session, we're going to talk about something that came up at the very end (it always does), that I was thinking about earlier today: Why am I so attached to someone who treats me so poorly? Where does the line between commitment and overly attached/co-dependent go?

She mentioned a couple of thoughts she had about it - one being that H has been sending extremely mixed signals, which I guess falls into the intermittent reinforcement category that gets us hooked. From 'I love you, I don't want to lose you, I want to save our M' (two months ago), to 'I want to separate', back to putting his head in my lap (don't know if he has even done that before!) two days before I left (not to mention the ongoing approaches to ML the entire time).

He even told me recently that ML with OW was 'just sex' - not like it is with me, even up to the very last time. I guess what he doesn't know, is that it was never the same for me afterwards...

H can see my FB page. I don't know if he does, he got very anti-FB after OW. I am posting only happy stuff, things I do, nice experiences. I just posted some lovely photos of beautiful spring-blooming trees and the great neighborhood Son lives in, from the dog walk we took right at dusk. The contrast to where we used to live, is enormous. There was nowhere to go for a walk unless we drove 15 minutes. The temperature was usually not comfortable (always damp or humid). H hated walking. I love walking.

So many of the things I enjoy here, I have missed doing for 15 years. They were just not possible where we lived, and H disliked most of them.

[Phoebe]

Awesome thought for the day, and very very true. Sometimes I have looked at what I've seen others survive, and I used to wonder how they even get out of bed every morning. Now I understand a bit more. It's what we have to do to survive.

Your nightmare was bad, Painter, but the dream you mentioned this time is so much more painful. I cringed on your behalf. Ouch. Did that really happen, or was it just in the dream?

I think that the intermittent rewards can be the very damaging. The hope that we will get a better result next time keeps us coming back for more, just to check if anything has changed. That's kind of what I was getting from my H while I was still doing the email Questions for Couples with him. He'd throw me a "My goal for this year is to work on our marriage," or an "I think you're very attractive!," and I'd feel reassured and keep going back for more. Then once I saw him in person it was just so much worse. Now, in addition to those hopeful words, I had a hug or a kiss from the man I loved so much, even if he then slept in another room, or left again a day later. It was worse than nothing. It's a miserable way to treat someone, really... cruel and confusing and too much like dangling an unattainable carrot in front of them.

You sound like you are really liking your new town, and all the things that you can do there now. It's great that you post to FB. You've got lots of things to share with your friends. Just don't post anything with him in mind. You're getting your own life, without him in it, thank-you-very-much.

[Painter]

The dream was just a dream, but it hurt as much as if it was real. I have had dreams before that tapped into other people's feelings and experiences (very specific ones!), so that made me wonder if it was more than just my own brain at work. I told H about it and he looked sad and said he was sorry I went through that.

It sounds like your H was either completely torn or leading you on to stall for time - either way, it was incredibly selfish of him. People who cheat, doesn't seem to care that they are playing with an unfair advantage - they know everything that's going on but keep it hidden.

I don't actually think H looks at my FB feed - he hasn't used it in years. But if he does, he'll see only posts about how active I am and how much I love this place.

[Phoebe]

Your FB page sounds like it strikes the right chord.

[DDJ]

I had two dreams in the first few weeks after BD. In the one i literally let my WW go, she was standing in front of me, we were parting ways. She had an envelope in her hand with her new lease agreement, a budget, cash and her new car keys. I kissed her softly on the forehead and said goodbye. I then went to my new wife and was sooo happy. I felt sad that I had to say goodbye, but happy that I had found a new chance at love.

In the second I watch her get into her new boyfriends car, she rolls down the window and i say "i signed the D papers, you can sign at the court when you get there". She rolled up the window and drove out of my life.

Now i believe that dreams are our sub and unconscious thoughts coming through - what we're really feeling. If one is really randy, then most likely you will get erotic dreams if not satisfied. What we take from our dreams are what matters.

I understood that i could let her go, and could even sign D papers and then go on living my life.

[JujuB]

I'm not having dreams, cause I'm not really sleeping!

Painter im so glad that your enjoying your new residence. I visited there once and really liked it. Zoo, arboretum,cafes were all walking distance. Great restaurants too.

The even better thing, is that it sounds like you have been doing lots of reflecting with this space. It is easier (never easy) to really examine things when your physically separated.

I really enjoy your thoughts of the day. Take care.

[Painter]

DDJ, maybe dreams are also 'rehearsals', work to help prepare us for what we think is coming?

Juju, I hope you get some sleep!!!

Today's though: It is guaranteed that we will live the rest of our life with one person: Ourself. We have 100% of the power to make that relationship a good one.

[Phoebe]

This morning I dreamed of my H for the first time in a while. I dreamt that we were just laying together and I told him I loved him. Then I woke up. It left me feeling kind of sad, but OK. plainly missing what we had.

Your thought of the day is the truth, Painter. Working on that R.

[Rose888]

I love this quote!