We are designed to survive. Humans have an amazing ability to recover to complete health again from the most horrible of illnesses and traumatic circumstances, and an innate drive to better our lives. Our life force is our own. ----
I saw the counselor this afternoon. I forgot to tell her about the dream, but in retrospect, it's almost entertaining, probably because I got to tell him off. I have had many vivid dreams about H through the last two years, and I think the only one that still makes me cringe, is very brief: H sits on his side of the bed, with his back towards me, then he turns around, looks at me and says: 'I don't love you, don't you GET IT?'
Next session, we're going to talk about something that came up at the very end (it always does), that I was thinking about earlier today: Why am I so attached to someone who treats me so poorly? Where does the line between commitment and overly attached/co-dependent go?
She mentioned a couple of thoughts she had about it - one being that H has been sending extremely mixed signals, which I guess falls into the intermittent reinforcement category that gets us hooked. From 'I love you, I don't want to lose you, I want to save our M' (two months ago), to 'I want to separate', back to putting his head in my lap (don't know if he has even done that before!) two days before I left (not to mention the ongoing approaches to ML the entire time).
He even told me recently that ML with OW was 'just sex' - not like it is with me, even up to the very last time. I guess what he doesn't know, is that it was never the same for me afterwards...
H can see my FB page. I don't know if he does, he got very anti-FB after OW. I am posting only happy stuff, things I do, nice experiences. I just posted some lovely photos of beautiful spring-blooming trees and the great neighborhood Son lives in, from the dog walk we took right at dusk. The contrast to where we used to live, is enormous. There was nowhere to go for a walk unless we drove 15 minutes. The temperature was usually not comfortable (always damp or humid). H hated walking. I love walking.
So many of the things I enjoy here, I have missed doing for 15 years. They were just not possible where we lived, and H disliked most of them.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
