Why is Raven black?

[ciluzen]

Hey, IP and Mel. It is getting easier. I have basically just chosen to go NC unless I feel its absolutely necessary. "Necessary", however, is getting to be a shrinking definition as I'm trying and succeeding in doing things by myself.

I'm getting better at not listening to people telling me how I should treat him (IRL). Some of the people I have chosen to share with are angry that I'm not so angry at him; that I am not mean or hateful. We (at least in my area) have become such an aggressive, me first, go out with guns a blazin' society. But its hard to hold onto anger when you understand depression or pain. I can be angry at his inability to communicate and rush to D, but that really prolonged my own pain. I'm tired of emotional hurt. I'm starting to, I guess, not take it personally? That is in part due to the wonderful idea of focusing more on me.

It was actually the easiest time so far, last night, of not talking R. H came over early to prepare our tractor and we talked easily. I was cheerful and friendly to Bubble's (and H's) friend; enough so that he started talking to me more as the evening progressed. We even gave him a tour of the house with both of us (H and I) telling stories and finishing each other's sentences. I bet that confused him!

H stayed and talked for awhile after the guy left. I applied no pressure, stayed upbeat, listened and asked questions about family, work, his trip south next week; but just enough to encourage him to talk and share. No desire to R talk. Easy peasy, light and breezy. Really.

Living in the moment. Instead of focusing on how much his BD and rejection of me (a thing of the past, now) hurt, or worrying myself silly about my life without him (a thing of the yet to be experienced future), I am slowly trying to learn to enjoy the moment. What does that get me that is better than revenge, retaliation, and witty put-downs aimed right at his gonads? Well, he's in a MLC so, from his end who knows. But for me? Peace of mind. Enjoyment. A feeling of contentment with myself for not spewing, or making a mistake, or pushing him further away, or...being a reactive b!#ch that wouldn't know the high road if it was steamrollered over the top of me.

I don't ask what he does on the weekends. Sometimes I wonder. Sometimes I do think of the things he's done and I get mad. Sometimes I get so down and lose hope that I'll ever have him back again that I'm in tears. But its getting easier to wipe it all away and focus on what I can do, especially at that moment.

IP, you are stronger than you think. YOU can do what ever you want. Your H HAS hurt you, but you don't have to continue letting him. Think about what YOU want, to make YOU more comfortable. A schedule? A new lock on the door? A written agreement of support? Go get it.

And Mel? So, so strong...and you know it. Just remember. Mother's Day is for YOU. What do YOU want to do for your day? Not your H's choice. Heck, grab the kids and go do something with just them. Send a clear message. This is MY life, and I won't share it with another woman, or tolerate my H bringing another woman into it. And I won't play nice "for the sake of the kids" on MY day. Firm, strong, but with a big bright smile and sweet soft voice.

Sorry, ladies. I'm feeling pretty good, right now. And I'm not even thinking about my sitch. Must be the steak salad and beer.