Working on detachment, my anxiety, and the joys of limbo

[Phoebe]

Thank you so much for your concern and kindness, SadHub, Painter, and Sotto. It's not been a great stretch of days, though at least the pattern is remarkably obvious at this point. I have contact with H, even tangentially like just seeing what he did to our home, and I fall apart. It then takes me a a couple weeks to put myself back together again.

On the bright side, at least I haven't yet done a complete Humpty Dumpty, so I can still put myself back together again. Kinda. Sorta.

It seems like every visit with my grief counselor takes longer than the previous time. This time I was at her home from 11-3:30. Wow. I admit that we both like to take breaks to chat about easier subjects, but it still amazes me how mch time she shares with me. She just lets me talk, and I do the same. It's very nice. Did I ever mention that she only charges a flat fee for all 7 sessions, and it's way less than an hour with a lawyer??? Apparently that is the norm for this program. No, she is not a formally trained therapist, and that's totally fine by me. She is just another person who went through her own hell, found a way to help herself and then got additional training in that method so she could help teach others. I guess I'd classify her more as a facilitator than a counselor, but you get the idea. Her generosity with her time is pretty amazing, and I really like her. We spend quite a bit of time talking about pets. It's a great neutral topic compared to our grief. (Part of the process is her sharing her own grief, so I imagine she needs a break sometimes, too.)

Painter, you are right. I do need to find something that I can own for myself from start to finish, something that H never knew about, thought about, touched, etc..

I'm thinking about bringing home some more chicks, but I'm probably losing my mind on that one. I'm actually selling enough of my eggs that I'm running low. I never thought that would happen, as I've been getting 9-12 eggs per day, and I was swimming in them! I've sold 13 dozen since I put my little box out, and have 2 more already spoken for that aren't even laid yet. My birdies just funded their own food purchase last night and they're got enough for another bag in reserve. So... Maybe some chicks would be a nice little project. They would mean a need for an expanded enclosed yard, too. Still thinking about it.

I'm very reluctant to spend money, and the bigger yard will cost money and time. I already have what I call a "baby coop" and all the other stuff I need for little ones. I don't know. Yesterday I would have said yes, today... Thinking.

Well, I've hung out more than long enough in this fast food parking lot, so I ought to get back to my drive home. Thank you everyone for checking on me. I'm going to do the pencil smile thing while I drive and see how it goes. And I'll try to be kind to myself about my falling to pieces moments. I can do passing sadness, but the breakdowns are a lot harder. They don't pass through me. They just knock me down flat. Ah well. I went to sleep after being knocked flat last night, got up, and managed the first part of my day without a repeat, so I'll call that a minor success.

NO MORE INTERNET TRAILING OF H!!!!

just a reminder to myself