W still at home, how to proceed?

[ImAwake]

All the quotes are a little tricky on the phone...I answered each one below.

Welcome aboard. I hope you will stick with us and post often.

I have several questions, and I really hope you will answer them. It will give me a clearer picture.

My wife has always been extremely insecure about me straying and in the beginning of our relationship I have here good cause with flirty behavior and porn addiction.

Could you say this another way? I'm not sure I understand the last part of the sentence.

Have you given your W reason to feel she has an insecure relationship?

Yes I have. From flirty behavior with other women, to porn addiction which hurt her deeply, to more recent provocative dancing and getting touchy-feely with female friends while drunk.
She has had enough and told me the first time a year ago that she wanted to separate

How many times has she told you she wanted to separate?
When you say she's had enough.............enough of what?

Many times since then. But before that, not once. It was a huge shock to me at the time.

Since then it has been a horrible cycle of me trying my best to be her "perfect husband", her pushing me away, me getting frustrated at her not accepting these positive changes and getting drunk...repeating mistakes, and rounding it out with her pushing me away even further.

Funny thing, I don't know that I have ever read a man's idea of the "perfect husband" matching the woman's idea of one. What exactly were you doing at the time she would push you away?

Trying to be loving physically. Giving her back rubs. Helping around the house a lot. A lot of the things she said she wanted. But she was extremely cold to me and I would get upset. That frustration would come out when we would drink too much on the weekends. We would get in fights over things I would do, like talking/flirting with other women at the bars.
[/quote]When I stopped drinking for the past month, this seemed to make her even more angry and distant, and she has left out marital bed just a week ago.

Did she actually say that she wanted you drunk, or is this your interpretation of something else she said?

She said I was being too extreme. She said she wanted to be able to drink a drink with her husband. That this was not the kind of relationship she wanted.

I have backed off, stopped texting, stopped affection, stopped catering to her every grip, and stopped saying I love you and being sweet in general. This definitely got some negative attention from her

I'm sure it did!

Up until she had said she wanted to separate, I wasn't really a present husband.

How many times had she said it before you became a present H?

None. She told me the first time, I went through horrible depression and anger, then I woke up and started moving in a more positive direction in my life.

What are the ages of you and W, and how long together? What are the kids ages?

I'm 37, W 33, together for 15 years . kids 13, 8, 5
The more you can tell us about the marital history, the more help I think you will receive.
I can see that both of us were too young and emotionally immature to be married. Our communication skills are horrible, and most of our R we avoided problems instead of dealing. She would try to talk to me back then, but I would get defensive instead of listening. She has always been insecure about me not needing or wanting her because of porn and masterbation. Even when I was doing well with avoiding porn, she would accuse and suspect me, which made me feel guilty...which triggered the addiction. Another ugly cycle.

Last couple of questions. Have either of you ever been in an inappropriate relationship since getting married? Either of you been previously married?

No previous marriages. We were both involved with inappropriate sensual/sexual behavior with another couple. Not a relationship, but a couple of incidents. That for me was a turning point. That is when a lot of my anger started, even though I was involved too.

Hope to hear from you soon.