Hang in there OFP. You will be fine. My heart breaks for you now. But somehow I know how deep you are from your posts which I keep up on and I know you will become better person from this all. Both you and I need to write off our WWs.
Thank you for the kind words, I appreciate it, and need to apologize for not offering the same for you. This is one of those positions that I don't know the words to be supportive of another. Not a lack of empathy, but a lack of ability to communicate it. As I read through the stories on this forum, I hurt inside that there are so many good people that have been 5hit on by their spouses.
I do appreciate that someone is reading what I wrote, and commenting on it. Thank you again. Feels at times I am just talking to myself.... and then I realize I'm not helping others by posting in their threads either.... I need to work on that! It is definitely within my abilities, I've done it on other forums quite extensively. Maybe it's because I feel I have no knowledge of my own situation, how can I possibly help others?
Originally Posted By: 1gr8dad
I know it's so hard to see that they are actually beyond repair right now because of the love we had for them and our ideal of a happy marriage and family unit. Time to think differently. Maybe we dodged a bullet?
It still blows my mind how backward her thinking is. That I am a monster, both to her and the kids. That she is perfect.
But looking back on how I have dealt with things, I am proud of myself. Yep, the anger came out occasionally, but most of the time I was calm, collected, and put every effort into understanding. W was always just beyond understanding, beyond reasoning, twisting things every step of the way, and depression controlled her every thought.
Since BD, many many times every day I remind myself, "I didn't break her, I can't fix her." Doesn't seem to be sinking it yet, sure isn't bringing comfort or putting my life back to how I had built it, but I continue to say/think it anyway.
Talking with friends and coworkers, when the conversation is complete, I realize how well the conversation went, how understanding I was, and I did offer compassion to those in need of it. FF's are perfect examples, they feel perfectly safe sharing with me, in fact the person of choice in their life for sharing. How does that happen that FF's feel this way, W never did? A male friend, I managed to get him to open up about his ex-W, she left for OM, recently came back, and they are piecing. Once I got him to open up, it's part of every conversation now, and he is bringing it up on his own.
Not sure if I posted this yet, one of the things I have always been proud of, is the amount of respect I get from others. Everyone I work with knows who I am, I don't know 1/2 of them. Everyone I ask for assistance, will drop everything and help. I've stood next to people often who say, "yep, I know him, he is one of the super smart people I know from work." I've never told anyone what to do. That kind of respect is not forced. A guy I work with saw I was hurting a few months ago, someone I barely knew, and told me a list of things I should be proud of. He pointed at the $150M facility that I work at and said "you built that!" He's right, I should be proud, but what good does it do to have such accomplishments at work and feel like such a failure at home?
I'm not saying this stuff to brag. Quite the opposite in fact. I say it to help restore my self esteem, which absolutely hit rock bottom after BD. For the first time in my life I contemplated if there was a reason to go on. Concern about my kids losing their father kept me from any serious thoughts in that direction. Past that point now, luckily. I allowed someone else's actions to completely destroy me!
I still wonder... will she come back? I am guessing that I would have to "earn" something from her to get another chance. But this is the fundamental flaw in her head. I don't need to earn anything. If she someday feels the need to fess up to her selfish actions and her lies, to try to earn my trust again, I'll likely allow her to try, but as long as she is a self-proclaimed victim, or blaming me, I refuse to put any effort into it.
Thinking about me, GAL, etc... Another 2 1/2 months until I see my house again. Wasn't good news, but there is an end in site, a goal to look forward to. I'll also get a few things from the house in the next 2 weeks, which will help immensely with GAL.
Hang in there 1gr8dad. I wish you the best. Same for anyone else reading this, I hope my perspective has helped you.
