So, I took a little break from this forum because I feel like I let myself get too wrapped up in it sometimes.
H is still planning to go ahead with separation and telling friends and family.
I have talked to my DB coach a few more times. She always suggests trying to connect with him in some small ways. She suggested inviting him out to lunch. Since he is never home this was tough. We work too far apart monday to friday and on weekends he does not come home at night, usually showing up around 1:30 pm only to shower and change and disappear again till the next afternoon. So last sunday morning I sent him a text inviting him out to breakfast. I am pretty sure he blew off the text. Heard from him two hours later (far after the stated meet time) Said he did not see it right away. This is a many who's phone is surgically attached to his hand 24 hours a day. (eye roll).
H did agree to go to a preplanned weekend away for a very close friend's birthday. Separate beds of course. As my DB coach suggested trying to break down the very thick barriers he puts up, I made a speech about hoping we can be friends and still spend time together peacefully when need be. He accepted my offer of friendship only, so hopefully this weekend will be a little more relaxed, as we will pretty much be in each other's faces for the next two and a half days.
H is not backing down an inch on wanting out of the relationship. He is still living in the same house with me though. So now I feel like my only shot is getting him to somehow break down and warm back up to me.
That sounds tough. I hope this weekend creates a crack in the wall.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
It feels like things are moving at a slower than glacial pace...but at least the tension has lessened a little since I gave the "lets be friends" speech.
Even if it is a bit of reverse psychology at work, at least I feel like I am actively doing something, anything, to work towards saving my marriage.
Having a lot of trouble controlling my anger towards H today! He is steadily becoming more and more selfish and disappearing more and more all night long. His drinking is increasing even when he has to get up at 6:45 am to go to work the next day.
I am trying so very hard to detach but there are days my anger just simmers and there is not a thing I can do about it!
My DB coach has me trying to make some kind of a connection with him but since I hardly see him at all now, even though technically we still live in the same house, it is near impossible!
The selfishness and destructiveness of his actions takes my breath away!
I'm sorry you're having a rough day. I have angry days as well; today might be one of them. It usually passes fairly quickly, but I think anger is as bad as sadness, it can become incapacitating.
Anyway, I hope you start feeling better and can get out and enjoy the day.
Thank you for the support. I agree that anger becomes debilitating. I get frustrated with myself for not being able to let it go. It is from a sense of helplessness as I watch my H slowly descend further and further down the MLC rabbit hole and detach himself from me more every day that goes by.
I work so hard at detachment, but as you say, some days are just angry days. I am trying everything I know to let myself let the anger go. Usually I can manage it. Today seems worse than normal.
Take care of yourself. You are not alone in your angry day!
I am so angry today that I can barely speak. It took me 14 hours just to answer back H that I got his text that he wasn't coming home last night. Must be nice to stay up all night drinking with his buddies on a weeknight while I am at home taking on all the responsibilities he has started to ignore. Everything from paying the bills, to grocery shopping, to taking the garbage out that was overflowing under the kitchen sink!
Just a bad day for me. The only good side of not seeing him at all yesterday or today (or probably tomorrow and sunday) is that I don't have to practically bite my tongue off to keep my temper in check around him.
I am not looking forward to Mother's Day where I will once again have to explain his absence to my entire family. Luckily his mother lives to far away to have to explain. H will spend the entire weekend getting drunk and staying out all night. We'll see if he even remembers to call his mother.
So I was so angry at H today that I was having trouble speaking in full sentences. All day I was like this. H tried texting me several times since last night and I ignored him till about 2:30 in the afternoon.
I get home from work prepared to watch as H showers and then disappears to who knows where for the rest of the weekend, and what does he do?
He spends the entire evening being relatively attentive to me! He gets take out for dinner, he sits on the patio and has some drinks with me. He talked about repairing my broken car. He asked me if I could wax his back! Lol. Something only a wife would do. Lol.
I don't get it! I really don't! Why does my anger seem to be the only thing that makes him take a second look at me?
I don't get it! I really don't! Why does my anger seem to be the only thing that makes him take a second look at me?
I'm just taking a shot in the dark; maybe it's not the anger, maybe it's the way you interact (or don't interact) with him when you're angry. Could that be the case? When you're angry are you more distant and less responsive?
Maybe if you could reproduce your angry behavior when you're not angry it would give you some different results. I'm just guessing, but it might be worth a try.
Check Vanilla's threads about the different types of anger. It is not all bad and some of it can actually be beneficial. She talks about white anger. It is good anger. Anyway her thoughts on the subject I found beneficial as I have been called an angry person and actually believed it was a bad thing for me. Now I have learned some things and it turns out, I am not the angry man, I have been accused of being.
Anger can be controlled and channeled for good. Check out her thoughts on the subject.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
