Still keeping it real...

[123Gwen]

Sotto Btrfly was right that you were eloquent when you wrote... always sad when something else gets added to the ever-growing pile of things to forgive.

I truly meant it when I forgave my husband for leaving but everything after was an ever-growing pile of decisions made a person who ceased to resemble a decent human being.

Btrfly - That cathartic crying and refusal to let it destroy you is such a minute by minute choice in the early days. Not having the answer wasn't the source of my pain - it was his indifference to his daughters. I too believe that is how the most damage has been done in our situation.

Dear friend I think after almost two years I'm ready to cauterize the wound.

-- Our youngest daughter was asked out on a date and her anxiety about the idea of a date caused a full blown panic attack. She took a brave step and finally agreed to talk with a counselor. When I let her father know she has an appointment he asked one word "Why?" - I lost it. As I asked how often he talked with her in almost two years he said, "I've called a couple of times but she gives me nothing" - WOW! After much prayer and a good night's sleep, I sent an email apologizing for losing my composure and giving him a better explanation -

"At this point any relationship with you or any man is going to take more courage than you can imagine for everyone. Try to really understand that you are our daughters' first love and while they may forget the words you said or the gifts you sent; they will never forget the way you made them feel.

If you ever want to ask a question, get an update or need my help I am here. I am not your mother but I am the mother of your children."

The reply I received 10 minutes later was confirming his direct deposit to my new account.

This was it - all my compassion just left my body and no longer will I let this person cause damage to me. I don't need to explain or defend them to anyone else, including our children. I won't add to the negativity but I think I have dropped the rope.

Last night I drove home after an outing with friends. Being alone in the car has been a trigger for grief and negative self talk. Last night I realized after my drive home that not one fleeting thought involved the past. It was a joyous revelation.

Grief will still reside in my soul but I think its song is merely the faintest echo of a whisper amid the joyous noise of the day at hand. That is the music I choose for my dance through life.