Been lurking for about 2 weeks and finally feel a need to have someone from the outside take a look at my situation and perhaps make some suggestions that might help me save my M. I will try to give a full picture without writing a book.
-Aug '15: I am told by W "I'm not happy." When I ask why, I am not given a clear answer. I chalk it up to being something she is going through and will get passed it.
-Sept '15: I am told "We aren't going to make our 20 yr anniv." It is in '16. W was drunk and we got in an argument so I didn't know how to react. Still no clear answer on the problem other than "I'm not happy".
-Sept thru Dec: Slowly she starts to build an emotional and physical wall. It kind of snow balls and looking back I should have been more proactive. It wasn't as obvious then as it is looking back at it.
-Jan: Sit down with W and tell her I realize she has put up a wall and I don't know if you even love me anymore. The response to what's going on is "I love you but not us". Still no clear reasons about anything.
-Start reading everything I can about relationships, emotional connections, communication, male vs female thinking... and start being more engaged and focused on my actions towards W.
-End January: Suspect OM. No proof just gut feeling and some things I noticed that didn't fit.
-March: Things in limbo for weeks and going nowhere even though I had really been making an effort to get us back on track. Finally get details about why W not happy. All the reasons are me - things I do, how I act, things I don't do, past mistakes... She says she is done and that this isn't where she pictured herself at this point in her life. I ask if there is someone else. She says no. Tell her I don't understand and I don't want a D and will do anything to work through this. I take full credit for my faults in the M. She says she doesn't want to work on it. I start taking a deep look at myself and focus on the things about me that were a problem for her.
-Mid-March: Seen out w/OM having a drink. To make it worse it's a recently divorced friend we've known for 3yrs. Confronted wife and she said just friends. Was mad I would even suggest it and threw wedding ring at me and confirmed she is done. Confronted OM and he said friends also. I said he stepped over the line between guys who are supposed to be friends. He said big misunderstanding and will honor my request to stay away.
-At this point I have an epiphany after all the reading I've done and realize that over the years when she had periodic complaints about being taken for granted, feels not loved enough, etc. I heard her but never understood her. I always thought my actions were meeting her emotional needs based on my "male thinking" and now realize it was not the case. I just did more of the wrong things. I now realize women connect differently. I explain this to her in tears and apologize for everything. Tell her there is a new me with this recent understanding and she will be treated the way she should be. Please note that I never treated W terrible. My intentions were always good but it just wasn't enough of the "right" treatment.
-End March: Go on planned family vacation. Treat her like she should have been treated all these years. Have great time, seemed to connect but come home and two days later W back to unhappy. I'm told she is uncomfortable around the new me and it's fake to her. This triggers days of trying to discuss, trying to reason, trying to beg, trying to plead, writing letters, all with no real result. Wish I would have stumbled onto this site before I did all that.
-Mid-April: Seen w/OM again at a club when she was to be w/girl friends. She claims he just showed up there. Note that it's not a likely place he would go by himself. That night in the heat of anger I tell her I'm done and give her my ring. She moves to other BR. A few days later I ask for ring back and tell her I'm not going to give up. I want to work on us and get back to normal. I get a response of "I'm all over the place on what is best for us." At this point she quits wearing her ring.
-End April: I tell her that it takes two to fix a marriage and over the last few months it's been only my effort and zero from her. Everything thing she previously said was the problem I have made every effort to correct or quit but it doesn't seem to really matter. I say I need to know if she's interested or not. She tells me to just give up. The next day is when I stumble upon this site and spend hours reading. I start taking action w/180 (although I had been already doing my own slightly different version of this for a few months), I start distancing myself which at times has been very difficult, and I have quit discussing the R.
So here I am today and getting very mixed results. I believe the OM has been out of picture for about 10 days now. Going out doing my own thing does not elicit any response at all, only a "Have Fun." Me limiting contact by text or phone doesn't seem to bother her either but that's me mind reading I guess. The only positive response I've gotten was a few nights ago while having a drink together I said I've realized she is going to do whatever she is going to do and I can't seem to change that. I am now focusing on fixing the things I hate about myself and I am working on being the best me I can be. She can come along for the ride if she wants. She had a surprised look and said that's good. Our conversations since then have been less heated and more civil. She still just doesn't seem to care what I'm doing or not doing. She doesn't text or call unless its about kids. There isn't much contact except while at home. Note that our work hours aren't the same so we don't have a lot of time together at home to begin with. I'm just not really sure where to go with all this. She has pulled away from me and me doing the same thing as she is just seems to make matters more uncomfortable/distant between us. Me not being engaged and making her feel appreciated and loved were big problems for her but when I've given her that over the last few months it hasn't worked either. Open to comments and suggestions.
Other info: dated 4 yrs, M19, both in 40s, D8, D14, .
