Everyone, thank you so much for the kind words. It means so much to me that people are reading this and finding something helpful in here.
Phoebe, I think that's really good stuff. One of the reasons we got into this mess is because our life got complicated and H couldn't handle the stress/pressure. We had a sequence of hardships, losses and obstacles before the A, and it was too much. Too much for any family really. Him being the people pleaser, just kept on trying to hold his head up and be the good guy. I didn't handle it as well, and I developed anxiety and depression. Who did I lean in for support? H of course! He felt increasing suffocated and I had no idea! So in the mean time OW is on the sideline pursing more friendship with him, miserable in her own M, and telling him how wonderful he is, he deserves better, etc, etc....
So what did I mirror? A long and complicated life with hardships who leaned in him heavily for support. And what did she mirror? A BF who was carefree, put his needs first, and reinforced that he deserves happiness and "better." Mind you, I had NO idea this was happening during their EA, I just felt something was off and the growing distance. There were so many obstacles and hardships in our life at that time that I was dealing with. But looking back on it now, it makes more sense.
I am of the belief that love is a choice. All those feelings, romance, attraction, and drama, well that can come and go. But to choose someone and commit to them, I think that is a more valuable love. So, I feel very strongly for H, yes. I am still working on detachment and being stronger and happier independent of him. But in terms of being "in love" with H, well I'm not sure because I don't know what that means anymore. Some days we laugh and we feel close and other days their are triggers, we fight, and I want to scream.
-Blu
Hi Blu, reading what you said here resonated with me strongly. In the last 2 years we have moved country where neither of us spoke the language, 2 young kids, we (rightly or wrongly) decided to build a house. I spent many nights translating paperwork on the computer, then working on the house. I was unhappy in my job as I was starting at the very bottom again as I have done many times. I did fight for a better position and had just got it when BD happened.
I feel my W got to the point she couldn't handle it all, the colleague and friends at work had none of this and no doubt were more fun and carefree. Suffocated is one word my W used when leaving. I have realized I was at my breaking point of complete exhaustion and was leaning on my W for support when I needed to reach out to friends more. I have done this so much more over the last 4 months as I find myself again and find my internal strength again.
I also have the same feeing as you in that love is a choice. I had my difficult times in this relationship and made mistakes, but I always chose to love my W even if at times I maybe didn't like her.
