Everyone, thank you so much for the kind words. It means so much to me that people are reading this and finding something helpful in here.

SadHub, you have such a big heart and your willingness to forgive W is truly admirable.

Phoebe, I think that's really good stuff. One of the reasons we got into this mess is because our life got complicated and H couldn't handle the stress/pressure. We had a sequence of hardships, losses and obstacles before the A, and it was too much. Too much for any family really. Him being the people pleaser, just kept on trying to hold his head up and be the good guy. I didn't handle it as well, and I developed anxiety and depression. Who did I lean in for support? H of course! He felt increasing suffocated and I had no idea! So in the mean time OW is on the sideline pursing more friendship with him, miserable in her own M, and telling him how wonderful he is, he deserves better, etc, etc....

So what did I mirror? A long and complicated life with hardships who leaned in him heavily for support. And what did she mirror? A BF who was carefree, put his needs first, and reinforced that he deserves happiness and "better." Mind you, I had NO idea this was happening during their EA, I just felt something was off and the growing distance. There were so many obstacles and hardships in our life at that time that I was dealing with. But looking back on it now, it makes more sense.

Natus, let me seperate those questions because they are quite different in my mind.

1. Yes, I am no longer trying to win him back. When he was back he was BACK and I could feel and see it in every sense. He wanted to work on the M and come back, he took full responsibility, he was remorseful, he was transparent, he cut all ties with OW, and he was focused on being a better person. He has remained that way. He said in his heart he always knew it was wrong and that he owed it to me and himself to work on the M. He was very much in the fog and struggling while he was gone. As time goes by, he can see more clearly what a mess he was a what a terrible mistake it was.

2. Do I still feel strongly about H? Strongly, yes. The same? No, not at all. That has been my struggle. I still miss how close we were, how in love I felt, and how much I respected and trusted this man. He practically destroyed me--meaning, I let him! I was a disaster for almost a year--a shell of a person. So if I felt the same way about him, well there would be something fundementally wrong with me. But I do love him, of course; he is my chosen partner, the father of my children, and we have been through so much of life together.

I am of the belief that love is a choice. All those feelings, romance, attraction, and drama, well that can come and go. But to choose someone and commit to them, I think that is a more valuable love. So, I feel very strongly for H, yes. I am still working on detachment and being stronger and happier independent of him. But in terms of being "in love" with H, well I'm not sure because I don't know what that means anymore. Some days we laugh and we feel close and other days their are triggers, we fight, and I want to scream.

I feel like I'm rambling. We got in a big argument last night and I'm tired.
-Blu

“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela