And now here I am again, having a total breakdown again, sobbing and hyperventilating over this very same man. And this is WITH the stupid Xanax on board. Where did this come from again?

All I did was glance ahead at my grief recovery book and see that I'll have to plot a relationship graph, starting with our first meeting and then all the significant events thereafter. Just considering it made what little anger I was just feeling turn to despair. It's just knocked me over. I wish I could warn that 19 year old girl to run away from that boy. I'm not sure that all the good times in those 25 years can counterbalance the pain of the last 4.5 months.

Maybe I should be grateful I'm only (only?) having these breakdowns a couple times per week now? Meanwhile H is out having a lovely time with someone else, encumbered by nothing more than a bit of guilt now and then. Maybe not even that.

i can barely breathe right now. no more Xanax in the house. gotta go find a way to calm down.

H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16