Housing: I signed a lease on a rental house for 6/1. I have been renting a two bedroom apartment while S11, D9, and D5 share one bedroom. Now I will have rooms for each of them, and room for my pool table as well. I'm still not back to 'where I was' as I had 12 years left on a mortgage on a nicer place and now I will be renting for 3-5 years before starting from payment 1 again...but it's all a joke anyway, I've got what I need to take care of my family, not everyone is so fortunate, and I am excited to be able to play some pool again.
I get 50% custody starting 6/1 as well. Boom. It will be a challenge, but I will make it work. My new place is close to their schools. Also, my mom is a professor with summers off retiring next year. She will be staying with me during the summers to help take care of kids while they aren't in school. Very cool.
Work: Been a bit of a roller coaster. Not bad, but not the dominant killer I normally am. Still hoping that after the schedule change, move, and financial settlement are all behind me things continue to settle and I find more and more energy for work. That said, my therapist told me in our last session that maybe I just wouldn't be #1 at everything anymore. That I only have so much energy, and that as I do more as a dad, I might have to accept others around me with wives taking on most of the child raising or that are single without families might surpass me. He said this was reality, and it's ok. It's a new idea to not be the best, but maybe I can just do a good job and pay my bills and be ok with that.
Kids: Doing great. We're still reading lord of the rings, and I got them T-shirts with the one ring on them in different colors. Just a little thing that makes us smile. I got myself one with a map of middle earth. It's SO cool, I read the story as a kid, but now reading it again as an adult I am picking up subtleties that are so awesome. Truly LOTR is the most epic fantasy adventure ever. And my kids are picking up my enthusiasm. Going for walks a lot, it's finally nice in Minnesota. Just living. D9 is playing a little pool. Just awesome watching them grow. And I'm really great at exploring life with them. They are learning so much from me and I'm proud to see them combine my best qualities with their individual awesomeness.
Pool: I ran 137 balls a few weeks ago in straight pool. This is my all time high run. Before it was 126. In fact, that's where the 126 came from in my screen name. Obviously I was proud of that, so it is cool to think my best days aren't behind me. Took 1st and 2nd in a tournament recently. Hitting them pretty good, when I'm not exhausted from life. Did I mention I'll have a table in my place next month? Can't wait!
Relationships: Yeah right.
So, I haven't been on these boards much lately. I feel the newcomers deserve to hear from others that have similar focuses, and also those that have hope for their relationship as I am much more cynical. I'll explain why, and what I've been doing with my time instead.
I think we're just too entitled to form lasting relationships. Maslow created the "hierarchy of needs". He basically postulated that people operate with the following priorities: Physical needs (food, water, shelter, sexual instinct) that the human race needs to survive, Safety, Love/belonging, Esteem/respect, Self actualization, and self-transcendence.
The idea is that we focus on the primary needs first, then as those needs are met we tend to focus on the next level of needs. So if you're freezing to death you're not worried about if you are respected at work. But once you feel cozy and safe and loved, these things become important.
My theory is that the quality of marriage used to be lower in terms of not having all the higher level needs being met...but life was hard, and couples stayed together to meet physical, financial, and other more base needs. These days we are so wealthy and entitled we take these needs for granted, and in fact we don't need a partner to be physically secure and safe. So now we focus on higher and higher level of needs. People's expectations are nearly impossible to achieve, and if they are met it is fleeting until people and life change and when inevitably there is a disruption the bomb gets dropped. This is what I've seen. Listening to people talk about what's important to them in a partner is just gross to me these days.
On top of that, my experience going through this divorce has been pretty unpleasant. Divorce law is complex and it's not really possible to have a set of guidelines that is fair to everyone all the time. Indeed, 'fair' isn't really in play. Take spousal maintenance. If a man has a SAHM wife raising his kids and suddenly abandons her to run off with some younger woman, I can see why it makes sense to make sure he provides to a point so she can take care of the children until she can take over the provider role in her own life. On the other hand, in my case where my SAHM BD'd me and refused to take any responsibility for her life it isn't right that I should have to provide for her for years as she plays the field and parties without working one day in 2 years.
Instead of the divorce forums, I've become intrigued in learning more about the state of relationships. Learning about the differences between 1st, 2nd, and 3rd waive feminism. Learning about MGTOW (Men going their own way), a group of men's rights activists basically saying the marriage has become a raw deal and in today's environment it is better to opt out. And learning about many view points in between such as the traditionalists that liked things how they were years back, without the overt inequality women faced for so long (and still face in some areas).
I am not rigidly aligned with any of these groups, indeed I am a bit confused by it all. In the end it just supports my theory that things are too complicated. There once was one set of beliefs, defined by society and religion. We once had to focus on survival and didn't have time to even wonder if we were 'in love', because that was beside the point, so we stayed together and truly loving feelings had time to form. Now everyone has their own opinions, and it is impossible that they could ever match and stay aligned, and inevitably the R fails.
This is definitely cynical, but it's how I tend to view things. I am learning about these topics to try to understand what the heck happened, and I still sometimes hope their's a solution that equates to me being able to achieve a relationship that isn't so fickle. But it really doesn't look promising and while I don't agree with all the beliefs of the MGTOW group, I am starting to feel they have the right idea with just giving up on the idea of relationships as a practical endeavor.
The positive optimistic side of all of this is that while I'm still grieving the loss of the idea of having a relationship, I am doing better than ever day to day. Good family, friends, and everything I need in my life. Appreciation is the overwhelming mantra of the day and I couldn't be more blessed. My life has never been better, and the feelings towards XW and my former M are all but done. As you all know by now I don't really care about feelings in terms of deciding to do what's right, but it is nice when the wounds have healed and the scars start to fade away.
To my DB friends. I miss you. I can't remember all of your user names, there have been so many. But you know who you are. Know that you have made a difference in my life when I needed you, and that your strength has helped me in my journey to do the best I can.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
